#273 Entemophobic Vacation

What a shameless fabrication

This joke that is worshiped

And called a 'vacation'

Why so, you ask?

Let me tell you

A road trip it was

To the stars and above

Followed by sun and sand

To be pampered and fanned

By sexy brown boys

While lying in the sun

What it was

Was a nightmare

What caused it was bugs

Nobody knows from where

They came up from the sea

And covered the land

As far as one could see

I saw a girl try to pet one

But then it took her hand

Now we are holed up here

Almost out of water

But we have plenty of beer

Six rifles and ammo

No change of clothes

But ten tarps of patterned camo

Our perch on this tower

Is precarious at best

We've coated the bars with oil

To keep the bugs away from our nest

I don't know how long we can hold out

Which is why I'm writing this

Stuffing it into a bottle

And throwing it into the sea

Perhaps when you read this

You'll come to our aid

There's four of us left here

Please send food, water and a helicopter

But most importantly

Don't forget a giant can of Raid

#272 Experience Points Sum = Zero

When I succeed

In my Zen crusade

And I rid myself

Of all possessions

Perhaps all of the mementos

That used to represent moments

Take their memories with them

Leaving a clean slate in their wake

Being that I am the mean sum

Of all my life's experiences

I wonder

If my sum will be the less

10 becomes 9

My baby things

Images of me being adopted

My favorite rattle

Thrown away

Losing the square footage battle

My kindergarten photos and art

Go into the dumpster

To be compressed and buried

Compost for another generation

9 becomes 8

My first tie goes away

Followed by a ticket to a movie

Long faded, title unknown

From a theater

Long torn down

My first years at St. Thomas

First book reports

Crayon drawings of birds and boats

Gone in the blink of an eye

Forgotten, fed to the goats

8 becomes 7

Middle school fades away

Mr. Dingman reading Huckleberry Finn to us

My lucky eraser

A special pencil

Running to the landfill

7 becomes 6  

First years of football souvenirs

First time in detention

Papers, grades, and year books

Favorite novels and cassettes

Marking the joy and the tears

Ground up for filler

Bedding for hamsters

6 becomes 5

Easier to make room now

High school disappears

With all the awkwardness

A scrap of paper with my locker combo

Prom after party prizes

Senior t-shirts

Never in my sizes

I empty boxes at a feverish pace

I haven't felt this free in years

5 becomes 4

College notes and books

Degree certificates

First time at a real career job

Old patches with defunct logos

There was a Harley in there somewhere

Hundreds of Compact Disks

Antique books

Into the pile!

Into the pile!

Where will it end

This pile goes on for miles

4 becomes 3

A photo of my wife

Taken a minute after

The first time I met her

Not knowing how she'd change my life

Deed to our first house

An ultrasound printout

Showing twins

3 becomes 2

More patches

More toy airplanes and hats

Another ultrasound

One fetus this time

Baby books

First haircut locks tied with ribbon

First day of school pictures

2 becomes 1

Bankruptcy papers

Foreclosure papers

New home surveys

New school sign up sheets

New paystubs from a familiar name

Piles of poetry

All go up in flames

Relegated to one

No mementos

No reminders

No keepsakes

No things to remind me of who I am

If experiences make the man

And all reminders of them are gone

I will forget all that I am

Become a negative sum

It's a crazy fear

But honest and true

The one

Would naturally lapse into

A zero sum outcome

#271 Party Pygocentrus

I am the party piranha

I get down cause I just wanna

Wanna dance  Wanna eat

Wanna par-tay all damn day!

I take some time to eat

A fine aged horse carcass

But then it's time to meet and greet

All the guests are arriving

Why hello Mr. Fish

You'd make quite a dish

But don't worry

I prefer red meat when I have a wish

And the Eel family

Quite delectable

For piranhas on a diet

Why don't you go over there and be quiet

Ooh, Mrs. River Dolphin

You are the honored guest

Yes, up on the table there

I must insist

No don't worry

Being tied to a spit

Is a sign of honor among piranha

(Find the dinner bell boys

It's almost time to come and get it)

Ser Piranha; Esq., ascends the podium:

"Welcome to the party my pretty river friends

Especially our guest of honor

Who I know will leave a piece of herself

With each of us, she is such a lovely donor"

"DJ please bring the lights down

As we light the fire

And rock this motherfucker down

I am the Party Piranha!"

#270 Goldfish Memory

I've heard that goldfish

Only have a memory of a few seconds

I can't say that it's true

I'm a goldfish myself

And I have memory as good as you

Oh, hello there

I've heard that goldfish

Only have a memory of...............

#269 Germ Warfare

I was normally

Very normal

For a dirty guy

Certainly not at all formal

But you got to me

And I didn’t think you could

You were always a bitch to me

Never a kind word even when you should

But there you were sitting next to me

Eyes red and puffy

Wadded up tissue in one hand

Nose all drippy and stuffy

Wait, you thought I felt sorry for you?

Oh no

I was simply repulsed

As if your clown hair and cratery complexion

Combined with your attitude

Were not enough to kill any erection

You absolutely  had my skin crawling

As I thought of all the bugs

That must be living

Breathing and crawling

Spread out and sprawling

All over you

You, as you sit there all sick

Spreading your germs wide

With every sneeze you don’t cover

Every careless wipe you don’t hide

I finished my work

In record time

I went straight to the sink

And washed with caustic lime

When that failed me

I walked away trying to ignore

The ongoing germ warfare

But then halted in my tracks

Staring at our office door

I couldn’t bring myself to go inside

The handle, gleaming dully in the fluorescent light

Was covered with bacteria and virus

Looking around, my problem was compounded

I couldn’t back away either

I was now surrounded

So yes, you got to me

But looking back now

From these many years

Of living in a sterile room

Peeing into jars

Too afraid of the bathroom

All I can do is thank you

You showed me what I face

In the open diseased world

Which is why I happily stay in this place

#268 BBW 3245: Who Are You?

I looked at the plate twice

Just to make sure it was right

BBW 3245

Yep, nothing wrong with my sight

I wondered who was in that car I was following

With that license plate so suggestive

Was it truly a Big Beautiful Woman?

Or someone with no idea what that message is

I could see her now

Standing in the line at the DMV

Filling out her forms

Taking the test for how far she could see

A red dress

Yes, that’s what she’s wearing

With the top cut low to show her huge breasts

And to capture all the men staring

Approaching the clerk with her paperwork in hand

A vanity request form she’d waited to fill out all day

She might have blushed a little

As he read what she wanted it to say

She must be 200, no 250 pounds

With her hair just so

Tasteful makeup and maybe a tattoo

That you’d have to be intimate with her to know

BBW 3245

Do you know how interested I am?

I picture her nude in my head

Lord, am I worked up now, SHAZAAM!

I just have to see

To see if my thoughts are true

Lay my eyes on her

Maybe she’ll look at me too

I pull out to pass

I press on the gas

I try to get set with the right attitude

I pull alongside and look over…..

Oh Shit.

It’s a dude.

#267 WANT

You are my crack

You are my cocaine

You are the reason

I walked one mile in the rain

Now lying before me

I unwrap and open you

You lay there

So hot you are almost steaming

I can see your juices glisten

I can almost taste you on my lips

Your scent beckons me to hasten

Instead I raise my glass for a sip

I’ll make you wait

Although it’s what you hate

But I’ve got all night

I’m prepared to stay up late

I’m going to have you

Every way that I can

It’s been so long

My desire so strong

Finally I can stand it no longer

I reach out and grasp you firmly

I lower my face closer

And I give you a taste

You

Are the best pizza

I think I’ve ever had

#266 Looking for the Doc

Every day

I drive my car pretty fast

I get it up to at least 88.8 mph

But I still have no results that last

So I borrowed Matt's DeLorean

Thinking to get better results

Still nothing though

So go to engineering for additional consults

A flux capacitor

Is what you need!

It's not enough

To just pour on the speed

That's what they told me

So that's why I'm on this quest

Across the country

The world if need be

To find every man

Named Emmett Brown

That I can see

#265 Bagels and Fragels

I've got bagels on the mind

Boiled and baked

Hot and salty on my plate

The joy I have cannot be faked

At the Bagel Fragel

I used to get my fix

All the flavors you could want

But I preferred the salt sticks

Just like a bagel

But long like a breadstick

Covered in salt

And some poppy seeds

Guaranteed to meet my needs

That, for me

Was the 'Bagel'

Part of the name on the sign

The other half

The 'Fragel'

Is less well known

Unless you're from East Lansing

Or Ann Arbor inclined

A Fragel

Is a sweet thing indeed

Made with delicious cinnamon raisin dough

It eschews the boiling and baking

Opting instead for a bath in hot oil

Oh yes, I said it

A fried bagel

First on one side

Then the other

Pulled out fresh

And rolled around

In cinnamon and sugar

Pure heaven on the tongue

I'll take some to go

Because with all these calories

I'll have to eat them while I run

But I don't care

It's a treat by which I swear

The next person coming back from Ann Arbor

Had better bring me some!

#264 Help! I'm Trapped in this Existence....

I'd reach out

But this bottomless feeling

I have in my gut

Makes me shut you out

It's not that I don't want you

Your attention

Your companionship

Your affection

It's just I have this trap door

Deep down inside

It sucks me in

And there I have to hide

I scratch at the walls

I shed my tears

All the while

My body goes on

Showing no fears

Smiling

Telling everyone how good the day is

When it's just an automated response

Like talking to a conversation bot

Just saying what it's supposed to say

Which really isn't a lot

But it's a fair exchange

For questions relegated to pleasantries

Real answers are not required

Polite convention is not to be denied

If you do give honest answers

People feel violated and TMI'ed

The body presses on

All nods and smiles

The soul is carried

Bound and tortured

By the frakked existence

In which it is ferried

#263 Too Many Boxes: Too Many Memories

Boxes of memories

Full of books

Full of pictures

Full of CD's

Old cassettes

Even 8 Track tapes

I have too much

Too many boxes

Too much deteriorating media

Things I haven't looked at

Let alone used

In years

I have to purge

It all just can't stay

Taking up space

Gathering mold and mildew

Until they decay

Much to my disgrace

I've looked over the books

Some are easy to get rid of

The book club editions

Gotten to check things out

Read once

Entertained

Then should have been passed on

Harder

Are the books I used to love

But they just don't hold up anymore

I'm a much different person now

Than I was when I was twelve

Into the donation box they go

Don't worry

I've kept the good ones

Until they will get looked at too

And I'll wonder why I kept them

Pictures are easy

I just keep them all

I just file them away neater

And in smaller clever boxes

CD's, cassettes and 8-Tracks

Are a harder nut to crack

Overall anyways

Cassettes have to go

They are slowly going bad

The magnetic transfer

Always taking place

Until such a time

As the only sound they'll make

Is not that of music anymore

The one offs

Or otherwise precious ones

Are set aside

To be digitized

To the landfill

All the rest do go

8-Tracks

Are set aside for now

I don't have many left

So I'll have to think

If I want to get rid of my 8-Track player

One goes

And the other must as well

CD's

Are an issue all their own

Measured in pounds

And cubic feet

I went through many years

Of spending money

Buying everything I liked

To always have it close to me

Now here they are

In their hundred pounds of glory

I've almost halved their number

Yet the prospect still staggers me

How can I let this one go?

Or that?

My god, what if I want to hear that someday?

I'm having a rough time

Soon this purge will be over

And the subjects that survive

Will hide in their boxes once again

To exist, if not thrive

In a few years

I'll revisit the issue

Unless a flood or fire does it for me

But then

That's just wishful thinking

#262 Fear of the Virtual Me

The bar is smoky

You appear out of the haze

All legs and smiles

So attractive in so many ways

I offer a chair

You join me there

We share a few laughs

We drink a few drinks

We exchange names and numbers

Both hoping to meet up again

You kiss me on the cheek as you go

Leaving on that up note

I watch your hips sway to and fro

Until you disappear once again

Into the smoky haze

When I get home

I undress

And get ready for bed

Empty my pockets

And look at your slip of paper

Such a normal name

Such a pretty girl

What might I find

If I flip on the computer

And Google your name?

I wonder what you would find

If you Googled mine?

Am I the sum of my Facebook page?

The lists of my hobbies and favorite activities

Old photos showing off old styles that were all the rage

Postings and comments and chat histories

Have I done anything offensive

In my comments or links

What about pics I’m tagged in

Taken after we all had too much to drink

What will you think

When you find out my middle name

Or you find out I posted a strange medical question

In hopes of finding others going through the same

Once you've found my old MySpace page

Perused my Google+

Checked out my Amazon wish list

Will I still be able to gain your trust?

I am that person?

That virtual me?

I reconsider the computer idea

I think it might be nicer

If I called you in the morning

I’ll invite you to lunch

The waiting to get to know you

Is half the fun

I hope you feel that way too

#260 Creeping Tree

The wood knows

And it grows

And it shows

It knows the seasons

It knows the winter

And the spring

And the very many things

That that does bring

It buds

And it sprouts

It grows tall with a shout!

You think you hear a noise

And you look out

But all you see is your yard

All is still

It's green

And brown

And purplish blue

It appears attractive to you

It invites

It despites

It offers respite

To those that would bite

The wood dances

It prances

Not just in the fire

It knows the need is dire

So it doesn't hate

The hour is too late

For such things

Looking again

Things seem different

You can’t put your finger on it

Yet, all seems still

This tree has a brain

It’s wood contains veins

Like tracks for the running of trains

Going up and down

Around and about

Commands pass

From crown to root

And it edges closer

To it’s goal to spout shoots

Down you old coal chute

Up through the floor

And under your old boot

It will grow in the wall

All down the hall

Until there is a knock at your door

You’ll ask who it is

It will answer

“Candygram”

You’ll open up eagerly

Only to see the tree

What happens then

Is a mystery you see

The tree

Simply hasn’t thought

Past that point

Looking at it

Or at least the part of it

That is there in front of you

It seems normal

Simply part of a tree

Oddly in your upstairs hallway

And of course

Quite still