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Monday, February 28, 2011

#59 Don't Wanna Grow Up

My plate is full
Of nothing
These days
It's just a passing craze

I'm sure I'll wake up
One day to find
Something wicked cool
Or, I'll be left behind

How long can
One ponder
What to do
When they grow up?

Hasn't the growing up
Already happened?
Or if it hasn't
Shouldn't it have?

How long
Can I take
The Mental
Fountain of Youth?

To call it what it is
The maturity level in here
Is hovering around twelve.

I'll just be over here
Playing with my firetrucks
If you need me.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

#58 Knows nothing about Ponies

My black spotted bay
Just couldn't lift me today
He was too weak
His muscles small
He couldn't do
A darn thing at all

I fed him some beef
And that did no good
He threw it up
As a good pony should
Lots of apples
Made no headway
He just shook his head
As if to say:

Dude, you are too large
For my little pony legs
Might I suggest a car?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

#57 Gives a Giraffe A Lift

My giraffe just doesn't seem to reach as high anymore
It could be that the tree has grown
Or perhaps in his old age he has shrunk
What is however certain
Is that the leaves on the tops of the trees
Are safe from his attention

But that's not the end
Oh no

I ordered him a giraffe lift yesterday
And it arrived today
So I unboxed it and assembled it
My giraffe seems to love it

He climbs aboard and drives around the yard
Raising and lowering himself
To eat from the tastiest of trees

My neighbor says I'm not doing him any favors
But I think it's just evolution.

Friday, February 25, 2011

#56 Swears it Doesn't Care (No Really!)

They call it anti-matter
Because your shit
Just don't matter
To me
I know I'm no scientist
So I can't define a rainbow
It's all a miracle to me
Mostly what boggles me, is you.
You're shit don't stink
Your thoughts are the ones that matter
Are you famous? Are you rich?
Who gives a shit?
Your face is plastered everywhere
So I'm getting a little dehydrated
From pissing on all your pictures
You paparazzi whore
When you were nobody
You were my friend
My lover
But now? I just bore you.
So fuck off
And take your pampered pooch with you
I loved you once, and I always will.
But loves turned to bitterness.
And once again
We're back to how
You absolutely
To me.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

#55 Perceives?

With a brushless brush
I paint my picture
Colorless and clear
Nothing to clutter the view

So vivid, I move closer
And fall right through
Into the reality I see
The cult of the real

The grass is certainly greener
Over here on the other side
So what they say is true
Even though the truth is hazy

Shucked shoes
Toes curled
In the soft grass underfoot
A stream beckons with it's wet sounds

Clothes slip to the ground
The cool water surrounds me
Lying uncaring on the rocky bottom
Eyes close, world ends

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

#54 is Basically Sad

60 if "yes" goto 110
70 if "no" goto 90
If only things were so simple
As basic yes or no
Layers add aspects
And I don't know if I'm coming or going
Left or right
Up or down
Sprinkles or no?
Questions demand answers
Some answers cause pain
So lies are told
But lies undermine the truth
And sadness rules the roost.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

#53 Is the King of Embarassing Situations

Honey roasted peanuts
Roll down around my head
The large broken jar
Busted in half, quite dead.

Flat on my back
Surrounded by this mess
I can't move without pain
And wished I'd gotten dressed

"Hello, 911?"
"I've had an accident, and I'm not quite right"
The ambulance is on it's way
Boy are they in for an sight

I try to knock some napkins off the cupboard
By spitting peanuts at them
At least then I could cover my shame
Even though that would be funny just the same

I panic a little more
And try to get up off the floor
No go, no doing
I roll back to where I was before

The damn peanuts everywhere
Just aren't helping either
Looks like a sweet toothed squirrel
Just had his nest explode in the kitchen

Next thing you know
They are at the door
It's unlocked, thank god
Embarrassment: only in seconds more

As they come around the corner
And see me laying there
Their lips tug into a momentary smile
Seeing what's happened here

What made it worse, than all the rest
Much worse than the sticky peanuts stuck to the walls
Is that my penis crawled right back up in
And left me looking like a woman, with balls.

Monday, February 21, 2011

#52 Is Always An Aborted Adventurer

My wheels are set in motion
By the tastiest of grooves
I can't even place where it's from
All I know, is that it moves

Rolling North, to the bridge
I dodge trolls as I go
Searching for cleaner climes
And a will to make it so

Green towers greet my horizon
As I approach their arched grace
Two miles long and counting
Encompassing time and space

Looking down through the grates
As my tires make a song
The grey choppy waters
Jump and dance in a throng

No fudgies to slow me this time of year
I roll further north
The white unkown beckoning
Even as my heart wavers back and forth

Someday I'll just keep going
To see what that Hudson Bay is all about
Up into the tundra
But for now I chicken out

Running off and seeing this corner of the earth
Is always just a few priorities away
Maybe always until it's too late
It stays under the heading "Someday"

Sunday, February 20, 2011

#51 Is Nothing To Fear, Just A Cautionary Announcement

This is an obligatory announcement:
"Do not eat the Jabronski brand Cheeze Whiz
I repeat, Jabronski brand Cheeze Whiz is off limits!"
We've had some incidents
And some excitement
People tripping
And seeing enticements
They see colors
They see horrors
They want to run away
They want to rip out their molars
"Five students have been put under sedation so far today.
There is no telling who will be effected.
As we use Jabronski brand Cheeze Whiz in, well, everything."
We put it in the cheese sauce
Naturally, although unnatural as hell
We use it in the pudding as well
Even though it's hard to tell
I've slipped some to mice
Just to watch them die
I know it's not nice
I do it to make kids cry.
"We will be locked down for two days.
Your parents have been called.
Please, above all don't panic.
There are not, I repeat NOT
Two foot spiders on the ceilings
That's impossible.....
I'm getting a gun."
"That is all."

Saturday, February 19, 2011

#50 Is a Sad Misguided Attempt at Political Commentary

Does the anger fade?
The passion run out?
The urge to rant?
Rage and shout?
I couldn't hope to guess
But it does seem
That the passion is exponentially less
The further from something you get
A tsunami in Indonesia?
Horrible, tragic, makes me sad.
Let's start an internet fund to help
And cheer ourselves with stories of hippos and turtles
A bombing in Israel?
Jeez, can't those people get along?
We just should cut all of them off
Let them kill each other
Hundreds of civilians killed in raids in Afghanistan
Tut, tut, how tragic.
Ten U.S. soldier casualties in the same time period?
Anger and angst, although not as much as a year ago.
Let something happen on our home soil though?
You'd think the world was coming to an end.
We'll sign away our liberties
And sacrifice our freedoms
To acquire assurances that it will never happen again.
I'm so weary of it.
The hypocrisy
The lies
"All men are created equal"

Friday, February 18, 2011

#49 Is a Windy Day Almost Birthday

Man walking in the wind:
"Hello? I'm coming home."

Things swirling
Things twirling
Things stuck up against the fence
Treasures maybe

A hat
Some gloves
Some paper
What? No money?

A windy day
On a warm day
On a fine day
In February

I'm not forty yet
So I'll enjoy it for now
Because in less than a week
I'll be over the hill.

If you shouldn't trust anyone over 30
What does it mean when you're 40?
Well blow me down
I do like walking in the wind though.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

#48 Is in the Big House

My mug
Holds my shot
Left face
Right face
Front face

Prisoner #214588-9b
Wearing my dayglo suit
I am quite styling
As I smoke in the yard

It's only county after all
I shouldn't have to join a gang
But you never know.
So I'm hoarding all the little things

Cigarette butts
Soap snickets
And mouse bones
Who knew?

I will assemble these into an offering
To the gods of my cell
And I will be protected
Until it gets taken away

Only two more weeks to go
I'm counting the days
Until I can go out and have fun
Until I get in trouble again.

Hope 2 C U There.

#47 Is Ready For Bed

There is no head to this snake
As I bend and bow and scrape
Searching, always searching
I pray the lord my soul to take

God bless Mommy, and Daddy
And my little dog Laddy
My hamster named Moe
And my favorite GI Joe

So laying in bed at night
Shadows playing in the nightlight
I hope for deliverance and sleep
While counting at least 19 sheep

At last my eyes grow heavy
And I drift away happily
With thoughts of fuzzy things
And hope for the new day.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

#46 Is a Happy Rubber Ball

Defying gravity
Never going to fall
Higher and higher
As high as my imagination
Up into space
Eating into time
Exceeding the rules
Squeezing gravity
And coming back down to me
And my childish glee

Monday, February 14, 2011

#45 Has Bitter issues with Valentine's Day

Happy St. Valentine's Day
It's a love
It's a massacre
It's a sham
It's here to stay!

The box of chocolates
I bought you
Was full of angry bees
They stung your private parts
And swelled up your knees.

That sparkling diamond you craved
Was bought with a thousand souls
Digging their own graves
In the African diamond holes

That card that made you smile?
Created out of thin air by Hallmark
To shame lovers everywhere
To buy buy buy, or never live it down.

Oh, and that shiny gold necklace?
It's shiny, and amuses the insipid
You crave it because you are shallow
And you equate objects to love

You are broken
And wouldn't know love
If it shat on you
Let alone sat in front of you

With tears in it's eyes
Hoping and praying
That you approved of the gifts it brought you
So you'd love it back

I burn your valentine
I never loved you

Sunday, February 13, 2011

#44 Is a Failed Analysis

Sculpting a cloud
With hands full of clay
There is probably some irony here
But I could never say

It never stands still
My knife flashes
Again and again
I make changes

It's maddening
Capturing lighting in a bottle
Vapor in a sieve
Makes you want to throttle

They guy who said
The eyes reveal the soul
Such bullshit.
The eyes reveal a lot
But not the soul

The soul is in the feet

Track the path of a man's progress

Where's he been
What's he done
What were his intentions?
Has he grown
Has he shrunk
Is he cruel
Is he kind
Most importantly
When no one else is around?

Follow the man's feet to know his soul

Go through his eyes, to get to the brain.
Mmmm, tasty!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

#43 Gives Bitey Kisses

Bite me
With the tenacity
Of a tiger
With the ferocity
Of a falcon
With the strength
Of a sea lion
With the gentleness
Of a giraffe
With the softness
Of a sloth
With the lips
Of a lover

Friday, February 11, 2011

#42 BDSM Purple Panda Seeks: YOU

Purple Panda Calls You Out
He's seen you
Touching yourself
From his perch
High upon his shelf
And he wants some for himself
He wants me to ask you
If you are into Plushy Loving.
Check __ Yes, or No __
Doesn't matter what you say really
It's all a distraction
He's got his commando gear ready
And it's GO for tonight
You'll be asleep
All snug in your bed
Feeling safe
He'll make sure of that.
That's when he'll make
His Purple Panda move
Donning his ninja suit
He'll rappel down the shelves
Stopping here and there
To even the score
With other toys
You may have loved more
He's vengeful
And Purple.
Coming for you
His bag is packed
Full of suprises
A coil of silky rope
All the better to bind you
When he allows you to wake
You'll surely be his
Bound and submissive
To his Purple Panda will.
When you are good
He will stroke your head
When you are bad
Feel the sting of his crop
Purple Panda is making plans.
I suggest a restraining order.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

#41 Rummages in the id

You were laughing

And I was dying

You pierced my heart

Without even trying


The dancing bugs tapped away

Even as the sunlight faded

Evading the errant boot

To the fear becoming jaded


Little paw pots

Full of steaming ink blots

Harvested from wild squid

Hiding in your id.


Chasing all about

In a random room

Tripping over chairs

And smelling the occasional bloom.


So I saddle up my beaver

And get on the road

Searching for ponds of mud

To hunt the mighty toad.


I can't see beyond my own nose

Which was cut off to spite my face

So my nearsightedness doesn't matter

Nor my lack of grace.

#40 Spirits You

At times

The trees block the view

So the sword comes out

And commences to hack and slew

As it becomes clearer

Things get nearer

Absolute clarity


With absolute certainty

All for lack of trees

So on my knees

I'm weak in the seas

Smelling the salts

Of the sands of water

Swirling around my knees

I sing of lost crabs

And colossus

As I search for my sanity

Built up pillars

To restrain thee

Yet no chains

Could I see

So unbound

You were found

Wandering the towering supports

Of our flowered prison

Blind to the dark

Sightless eyes did see

The willow-the-wisp

That led you ashore

As I crouched there on my knees

Your hand reached out

And passed right through me

You aren't real

And neither am I


And unbound

To any earth

We wander free

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

#39 Is full of Cliche'

"Who Run Bartertown? "
Before I answer that age old question
And more importantly:
Before you Google it.
Let's cover some basics

The sand underfoot
Is the same shape as soot
Very unchy-crunchy
And cool

The poodle cup sayeth
Thou shalt obey the poodle!
So sayeth the poodle
And his mighty cup.

Waste not, want not
Unless wasting is your thing
In which case go for it
Be one with the couch my friend

These clothes must have shrunk
Seriously, they did
My mom says I'm so big-boned,
That all my clothes do that every few months.

Is Alive!!!!
You should have seen that one coming.

Finally, the answer, as it always was, and always will be:

"Master Blaster" (Runs Bartertown)

Monday, February 7, 2011

#38 Is Feline Fancy-ing

So that's the shoe
The one that hit me
When I was calling to you

My fur was so bright
In the shining moonlight
As I sang my song
From my wooden fence height

This tomcat he wants you
He just don't know what to do
So he's calling to you
And feeling oh so blue

So put out the fancy feast
And call me inside
I'll lay down beside you
And we'll start us a pride

This tomcat is totally into you

Sunday, February 6, 2011

#37 Is off to see the Wizard

Yes I see you
You're pretty shoes
Gleaming in the lights
Your ruby red glitter shoes
Just call you Dorothy
You know I will
Your gingham dress
Can't cover you up

I'm rockin these x-ray specs
All the better to see you with
Sweet little Dorothy
Who knew you wore a thong?

I'm loving this new you
This twenty-first century you
Don't ever change the changing
It's all I can count on
When you went from black and white to color
Was nothing on this
Your lips, so ruby
I beg to kiss

You rock my world
You sexy farmgirl
Amen, turn out the lights

Dark as night
Hay scratching my thigh
Hey! Is that the scarecrow?
Holy cow (but it feels kinda good)

And wait, do I hear metal creaking?
You dirty boy
Tinman can't hide from me
Give me some of that mechanical loving

Soft fur strokes my back
As the lion moves in
So heavenly
I never want it to stop

My Wizard of Oz Wet Dream

Saturday, February 5, 2011

#36 Really Has No Idea

There once was a man from....

So this priest walks into a bar....

Knock, knock

I can almost recall a thousand jokes.

Which goes hand in hand with a hundred tokes.

Blasting brain cells with glee.

Witness, O Glorious Me.

I know I've been down this path before.

So, you know the score.

It never really ends well.

For my thoughts just never really gel.

O bimini, O bimini!

You cover my jimini!

When I choose to drive all naked!

I know, it's a shock, but what the hell?

#35 Dreams of Depths Lost

With all the happy forces
Of a thousand suns
Squashed by a hundred gravities
Enough to give me runs
I ponder life eclectic
And wonder at the lore
Of all that came before me
I just don't know what it's for
My brain runs in circles
Of doubt and pleasure and pain
It is as it always was
With a life boring and plain.
There was a time
When I truly pondered
Things far off and deep
Now I'm lucky to not spill soup on my shirt.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

#34 Doesn't cotton to being food

The ticks have it
They're on you
And in you
They dare you to bring on the matchstick

Walking through the high grass
Not a thought on your mind
That's when they attack
Grabbing any skin they can find

Then when they're found
You shreik and you scream
It's so icky
To be parasite cream


#33 Apologizes for being shorter than the average male

Hey Mister, Is your dog dead?
Nope, he's breathing and he smells bad
I reckon if he was dead, he'd smell better.
Rimshot please.

It's funny, how funny life is
It's the snow in your face
The bucket of confetti coming at you
Clown car type of funny.

It all is, soak it up.

The author apologizes for the brevity of this lousy composition.
He was listless and bored all day, and has only now come to life.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

#32 Ain't afeared of no snow

So afraid of the snow
Don't know which way to go
It blows this way and that
OMG there goes my hat!

It piles up around me
Until I can hardly see
It's Snowmaggedon I fear
Or at least that's what I hear.

But then again
Who cares what they say
The weather will do at it may
Always has always will

We'll deal with it as we always have
Get up, go to work
And generally get on with our lives
Poo poo on you, Mister Snow.