#90 Eyes Your Shiny New Commode

I haven't seen my friend for ages
We greet and smile and chat
He has to run an errand
So I lay down for a nap

I slept
The sleep of the dead
Almost before
The pillow hit my head

I had a dream

I dreamt of my friend's bathroom
Shiny and new
I was dying to try it out
You know you would too

So I unzipped and let go
But something was wrong
I kept getting it all over me
I was getting covered in pee

That's when I woke up
Midstream, so to speak
I was mortified
I could die

What's worse
While I was asleep
Lots of people had come over
It was enough to make me weep

I hung a blanket in front of myself
And tried to act nonchalant
As I looked for my change of clothes
Is that too much to want?

But I couldn't find them
No matter how hard I tried
I just kept wandering around
My pants squishing around my thighs

Now I was desperate
I knew I must smell
So I casually tried to bail
But I knew everyone could tell

As I got to the front door
I tripped and I fell
Everyone could see my soaked pants
This just couldn't end well

As I lay there with my eyes closed
I wished to be anywhere else

Then, I woke up
And found I had wet the bed.

#89 Can Scarcely Breathe

Snowy capped mountain peaks
Hold everything a young boy seeks
Yeti monsters
And a place to plant your flag

Wearing a furry coat
And steampunk goggles
The family crest flaps merrily
On the thin mountain air

The local men who led you there
Standing tired and bored
Waiting for their money
Chat idly, waiting for you to get done

You are the master of all that you survey
Or at least it feels that way
Everything laid out
In miniature before you

With your giant fist
You could smash it all
Change the course of rivers
With your fingertips
Reach out and make other mountains
With the palms of your hands

The lack of oxygen starts to get to you
And you laugh giddily
Your minders tug your sleeve
Trying to remind you it's time to go

You shrug them off
A purpose in your mind
You run to the edge
And keep on going

Spreading your wings
Soaring out into the air
You swoop and you dive
To seek your purpose

The ground come up fast
Imaginary miniatures becoming reality
The rocks reach out to embrace you
Merging with your flightless form

Your goggles lay broken
Upon a quartz outcropping
Glinting in the sun
Marking your passage

#88 Is Lifted by the Soul of his Shoes

I needed some new shoes

I'm not that fussy

It's not like I need Jimmy Choos

Just something unique to me

So I went hunting

In the local malls

Little shoe stores

But nothing caught my eye

Until I saw the torn flyer

On the telephone pole

It said, "Amazing deals, Unique steals

The right shoe for everyone, Today only!"

So I was hooked

And I went

I got to the parking lot

And it looked like a carnival tent

Dirty and town

I approached with apprehension

I walked through the flap

And lost all my tension

There before me

Was the most amazing assortment of shoes

On neat wooden shelves

Aligned by size, style and hue

I started to prowl the aisles

Touching here

Trying on there

Until I worked my way to the back

Where a voice asked

"Can I help you?"

I looked around, then down

A small person looked up at me

His timeless face

Reassured me that he could help

So I explained what I wanted

And he smiled, "Come with me"

He led me through the back of the tent

Into a small trailer

Where something did appear to me:

A pair of high top tennis shoes

They were on a pedestal

Surrounded by light

I was excited

But held back by fright

Can I try them on?" I asked

He nodded, so I did

And I was transported

These shoes weren't just right

They were RIGHT

They hugged my feet

They buoyed my spirit

I felt like I could do anything

As long as I wore these shoes

I could walk on water

Heal the sick

Feed the poor

Levitate

I call them my Jesus Shoes

#87 Totally Sells Out

I'm looking for my book
I'm in such trouble
If I don't find it
My teacher might......
Punish me

Gosh, that'd be pretty all right actually

Digging through
My pile of things
My hands are a blur as they sort

Chew Magazine
A pouch of Big League Chew
A wookie named Chewie

It's hopeless
I'll never find that book!

I'm at the bottom now
Nothing but broken scraps of things
And a few trading cards
Wait, ooh, a night elf

Finally, I spy my prize
Just the corner sticking out
From under the dresser
The missing book
I resist the urge to burn it in frustration
And throw it in my bag instead

I run down to my car
Tune in the Morning Stream
And get down to serious business
To Burger King, for some breakfast

#86 Is Late, Is Late!

There is no time
There is no measure
So time has no meaning
With nothing to mark it

Surrounded by nothing but sand
Fine as dust and white
I search for an object
Some definition

I stub my toe on something
I brush away the sand
It's a clock, thank gods
But it's inert, and dead

A timeless situation
That must be what it is
The hands are frozen
The seconds tick never

I wind the spring desperately
Hoping for a tick or a tock
But nothing clicks
No pendulum swings

Suddenly I hear a bell
A far off clock tower
Marking the hour
And things start to move

Everything is ok
I can breathe again
Time has found me
I can grow old with a smile

#85 Is a Far North Flyer

She's a Far North Flyer
She wakes in the morning
Shakes the ice from her wings
Rubs the sleep from her eyes

She goes where she should
Collecting things to take
Stowing them carefully
Watching over them

Then it's time
She rolls out
Stretches her wings
And takes to the air

The sun glints
From her shiny hide
Her noise an impeccable shriek
She hunts the sky

Prowling the clouds
She finds a tailwind
And settles in
To really make some time

She's going places
Carrying precious cargo
Dancing lightly on the air
She's a Far North Flyer

#84 Stands on a Still Night

Lake Huron
Glass smooth
Looking like a second sky
Reflecting the stars
The aurora borealis
And a night flight of geese

I stand at it's edge
Toes curled in the sand
The odd rock resting against my foot
The sand cool
Long since having shed
The warmth of the day's sun
Here on the shore
Of this great black looking glass

"Who is the fairest one of all?"
I ask it
There is no answer
It's not that kind of looking glass

I choose a flat stone
And throw it sidearm
Out into the inky stillness
It skips
One, two, three, four
Then ever decreasing tiny bounces
Bunched together
Until it sinks beneath
The flat reflective plane

Ripples extend from what I've done
Going
Going
Getting fainter
Until the surface is glass once more

I gaze down at the second sky
Smiling at it's beautiful duplicity

A shooting star crosses the sky

I make a wish

#83 Thinks Like a Caterpillar

I munch
I inch
I work my way through
This part of my life

Living on the rough skin
Of my vertical world
I go now up
Then down

Always looking for food
It's insatiable
It's consuming
It is my driving force

I'd be distracted
By all the wonders around me
But they are commonplace
And banal

What is shiny to me
Is an emerald leaf
It's filling
It's thrilling
And it's cheap

I eat and I grow
Why?
I don't know
There is a reason to this
Maybe someday I'll see

Until then
I'll prowl this world that I know
Eating this, eating that
And growing a little more
Every day

#82 Plays With Snow

Snow
Again!
Every flake unique
Piled trillions of individuals deep

I take my silver pincers
And pick one
It glitters
It shimmers
It's two dimensional
And razor sharp

I drop it
It hits my hand
And cuts
Revealing crimson
Showing layers
Delving deep

Down into the middle
Through the red
The blue
And the purple
Into a perfectly proportioned room
Someone on the far side speaks
And I am surprised I can hear them clearly
"What part of 'acoustically perfect' don't you understand?"

I yell
And chase my perfect little snowflake
Trying to catch it
On my tongue
Eager for the excitement
Wary of the cut

#81 Holds No Solace

Hold the tears

For me

If you knew the whole story

About me

You'd rage that I didn't go sooner

You see

I'm afraid I had to disappoint

I'm just me

*

I am a genius!!

(I am an idiot)

I am beautiful!

(I am ugly)

*

If I said it loud enough

It must be so

The subtext said

So low

That surely no one heard it

*

I stand brave before the fire!

(I cowardly throw children in front of me)

I never would say an unkind word!

(Until you've left the room)

*

The imperfection is killing me.

I can't even be the me

That me wants me to be

Let alone the one that's expected of me

*

I'd swear at you

But that's passe' now

There is no shock value to it left

I'll just bite this bullet until we're done here.

*

Although, you'd think I'd outgrown

Such emo navel gazing

Sadly, you're mistaken

In the dead of the night

When all is still

Nothing but all the bad can come to mind

So this navel holds my own private hell

It's where I go when my mind wanders

*

I create worlds!

(You just live in them)

I finger paint with fiery stars!

(You just gaze at them)

*

Now I lay me down to sleep

I await my thoughts to bury me deep.

#80 Is No Fairytale

My skin glistens with sweat

Black hair pulled back in a cord with flourish

The skull tattooed across my face is as menacing

As any gun or blade I could brandish

*

I sail the goddamn seas as I please

Murder and mayhem my given mission

My cannon and my sword

My passport and permission

*

The fair Coral Oak

Is my current ride

She's a dreadnaught to be sure

With iron and magic in her hide

*

Her belly full of ammo, treasure, and food

Rearranging that order is a high crime

The fight is more important than riches

And I'll eat when the first two leave me time

*

I sing my song

Of gunfire, and clashing steel

Cross my path and I'll hole your vessel

Put my hands around your throat just for the feel

*

I'll burn your ship as it sits

If it doesn't sink first

You, I'll dice to pieces, even as you live

To chum the sharks as I slake my thirst

*

I'll offer no quarter

There will be no ransom

It always ends the same

With you thrown over the transom

*

If you want romance, find something else to do

Any woman captured alive

Is used by me first, and then the crew

To be sold at the next port once we're through

*

If you escape and live to be old and grey

You'll be sitting around a fire someday

Telling the tale of the time

You crossed paths with me

#79 Holds Some Answers

This is Public Safety 1.1, here to answer your questions

In the event of an event

Of maximum magnitude

You will be asked to comply

We will not tolerate any attitude

"What if there is a flood?"

You will be asked to get out

Probably into a boat

From your second story window (no need to shout!)

That water's chilly, don't forget your coat!

"I'm worried about tornadoes"

To avoid a tornado is simple you see

You just have be where the tornado is not

Or get in your basement (I can provide one for a fee)

And hide under a cot.

"What about a tsunami?"

I don't understand what you are saying

Please speak English, I'm a simple man

What's that? It's a huge wave?

Well, moving to Denver would be a plan.

"I'm super worried about radiation from a nuclear accident"

Now I'm glad you asked about that one

Nuclear energy is our friend

But when something happens

I have you covered, I guarantee

You see, for a small fee:

I'm selling these lead suits on Etsy for cheap

They'll help, I swear

You'll be sporting them without a care.

A built in geiger counter

And room for a diaper to wear

You can wear it for weeks at a time

To not, my friends, would be a crime

Now that's all the time I have for today

So drop us a line

And you'll hear us say....

"This is Public Safety 1.1, here to answer your questions!"

#78 Can't Stand You Anymore

You sit behind me

Breathing

Breathing into your cup

Mouth breathing

Snorting your snot at odd intervals

Coughing

You raise my hackles
You raise my ire
You raise my homicidal desire

I want to smother you
You thorn in my side
You hinder my stride
Cramp my style

Obstacle to living

I want to drown you
In a gunny sack
Watch you struggle
Until you go slack

It would be a joy
To be without your noise
In my life
You disgust me

With your mouth breathing

What do you do?
You take up space
You are a disgrace
To the whole human race

I would smile
To tie you up
Put you in the trunk
And pipe in the exhaust

Put all that mouth breathing
To good use for once

#77 Is a Frightening Hybrid

I saw a turtle-cockroach last night
It was shocking
It was huge
I really didn't know what to do

What strange powers does it have?
Can it run? Can it jump?
Maybe it can fly
I'll bet it's invincible

I was afraid
And wanted to step on it
But it was as big as my head
And it looked hungry

So I climbed up a tree
And tried to shoo it away
It didn't listen
It might not have ears

Eventually it ambled away
Through the slush and leaves
I'm relieved that it left
Even though now it haunts my dreams

#76 Takes Issue With Wearing Green

I used to be a good monkey
But nowadays it isn't so
It's 'wear this, do that, stand here'
Wherever I go
*
Today, they've gone too far
Even a monkey has his dignity
I've smoked cigarettes and worn diapers
And thrown my poo as far as the eye can see
*
This outfit is so beneath me
As soon as I looked in the mirror
I freaked out and ran
To cries of, "Bad monkey! bad monkey!"
*
I'm going to keep going I swear
Till I'm far away from Idaho
Where's my pot of gold?
At the end of the proverbial rainbow?

I dash through the city streets
My green coattails flapping in the breeze
I keep my walking stick at the ready
Smacking people in the knees
*
My mind races as my feet do
Jumping cars and fences like a faun
I have to ditch these clothes
On today of all days
*
This bad monkey will NOT
*
Be dressed
*
As a leprechaun!

#75 Is a Pirate!

The wind blows my hair
As I'm king of the world
On the playful plastic bow
Of my very own pirate ship
*
I'm seeking buried treasure
Like every good pirate should
Southwest feels good
Must be the proper way to go
*
I call for my spyglass
And my cabin boy comes running
I search the horizon like a pirate
And can feel the treasure getting closer
*
With a cry of "Land ho!"
An island climbs the horizon
We anchor in an inlet
And make for the shore
*
We walk the sand
Eager to find the "X"
A likely spot is found
We dig hopefully
*
There in the hole
Lies what we dreamed of:
Chips & salsa, and popcorn
"Mom!" I call out, "Can you bring us some ginger ale?"

#74 Needs a Lumberjack

My tree is too tall
It obstructs my view!
I really don't want it there at all
I used a mule, and then two
But it won't budge a meter
*
So I hired a beaver
He was quite a believer
He took off his coat and flexed
He figured he'd make short work of it
Being a wood chomper and all
*
He got right to work
And it looked promising
Woodchips flew across the range
Until about lunchtime
That's when things got strange
*
Beaver went to bite
And it just wasn't right
The target couldn't be found
His aim seemed to be off
Then he fell on the ground
*
I went over, almost out of my mind
Wondering what I'd find
But he really stunk
I took one smell of him
And found he was drunk
*
I know it sounds demented
But the tree had fermented
To defeat my beaver-y plan
But I wasn't done yet
I brought over my van
*
I wrapped the chain so carefully
So I was sure it would work
Three times around the tree
I put my jacket on a stump
Then turned, and couldn't believe what I could see
*
The tree had grown 20 feet
My van was now an ornament
Hanging like a necklace and looking queer
I was defeated, and vanless
I sat down, and had a beer.
*
I'll get used to it I guess
Being a little taller, the lake is easier to see
Wish I hadn't made such a mess
But then I had a thought
Wonder where I could find some TNT.....

#73 Drives a Windowless Van

Oh fiddlesticks
I missed the crux
Of the issue again!
Won't you be a friend
And run it back a bit
So I can sink
My teeth into it?
*
It's all a wall
And that isn't all
My ten fingers and toes
Aren't enough to count those
Millions of ants
That coexist
And cohabitate
And exterminate
Each other
*
It's a mess
And I'm wearing a dress
So what?
I tuck my cock too
I'm so sexy
Check me out
Get in the van
We'll do what we can
*
I have a roll of rope
Some duct tape
A bottle of ether
And a kodak
You'll hardly know it either
Because soon I'll be done
And you'll be another
trophy on my wall
*
I think I'll put you...
Right between the redhead
And the blonde
You'll form a bond
I guarantee
And someday
When they catch me
They'll wonder why
And I'll just say it was a tie
You are all just so beautiful to me
And I just couldn't let you go
*
So shhhh
Breathe it in deep
And pray your soul to keep
I'll kiss you tenderly
As I put you in the bag
And you drift off to sleep

#72 Hopeless Meets Hopeful

It's a sunny Sunday
With Hopeless Hal
Looking for snow
In the midst of the sand
*
Running to and fro
Hopeless Hal
Does go
Tripping on cactus buds
*
Little does he know
That the snow
Does go
Where the North wind blows
*
Hopeless Hal
Did get himself
To the bus station then
And a ticket he did buy
*
North! To the tundra
Hopeless Hal went
Trailing vomit and strange dreams
From the peyote that he et
*
When the bus arrived
With great smoke and screeching
Hopeless Hal was thrown out
Strung out, hung out, flat on the sidewalk
*
And then did Karma speak
As Hopeful Hannah
Happened by
And saw this man before her
*
She picked him up, cleaned him up
And loved him back to life
And it was the the happiest wedding
That Yellowknife had ever seen
*
Hal built them a house
And Hannah helped him fill it
And her belly did grow
Her name was Hope
*
And she completed them

#71 Funny Bunny Hokuharu

Funny Bunny Hokuharu

Feels drawn to eggs

So strange for a bunny

This he does know

*

He collects them

And paints them

And sends them

To his cousin in Connecticut

*

Always a big demand

Ramping up to April

How strange

But it's fun, and pays the bills

*

Funny Bunny Hokuharu

Lives in Miyagi Japan

Near the zoo

So has many friends

*

One day funny bunny Hokuharu

Was out collecting eggs

When the ground began to shake

Funny Bunny Hokuharu cried until it stopped

*

He went back to his home

But couldn't get back inside

There was no place for him to go

He climbed his favorite hill sadly, to think

*

As Funny Bunny Hokuharu sat

He saw water coming

And coming, and he cried again

As all that he knew was covered

*

Funny Bunny Hokuharu

Slept on his hill that night

With a squirrel that happened by

They huddled close

*

In the morning

Funny Bunny Hokuharu

Went to the zoo

To find his friends

*

All the zoo homes

Were underwater

His friends he could not find

Though he searched until the night

*

Funny Bunny Hokuharu

His bunny heart was broken

All his eggs are gone, his home is crushed

His friends are dead or missing

*

Walking West

He looks for anything

To help him move on

To help him forget

#70 Is In Thrall to the Mechanical Mother

Searching for self

In a sea of other

Worshipping our god

The mechanical mother

Spewing black righteousness

She sends out her orders

Blackening our souls

And building up borders

A spark of light

Pops up here, then there

Only to be squashed

Faults laid bare

"Mother loves you!"

She shouts with a roar

Fear becoming love

A knot in your core

You grow old

Your spirit withers

A chill seeps into your soul

Giving the perpetual shivers

Still a spark is deep within you

Though you are old and grey

Harboring hopes and dreams

Yet afraid of what mother would say

So sadly, when you do lay down to die

And drink your last cup

The question still lingers

Of what to do when you grow up

#69 Goes from Bananas to Oral Sex in Five Stanzas

All hail the mighty banana peel

It tastes wicked bitter

And makes one slip

When applied to the heel

*

In honor of the topic today

I think I'll paint my car yellow

It will soon closely resemble the inspiration

With brown rust streaks showing as it mellows

*

But the number in question

Should be addressed as well

Wine me, dine me, sixty nine me

I'll never tell!

*

Sixty nine

It's a salvation

It's a wonderment

A delicious trend for the nation

*

At my age, I must concur

As "love me long time"

Becomes "I love you short time"

If it ever even does occur

#68 Is Dead and Gone

Because I'm dead and gone

No amount of tears will bring me back

So might as well just sing this song

Wash, rinse, repeat as needed

*

To my friends

I leave the memories

Of good and bad times

Out underneath these trees

*

To my lovers

I leave my STD's

Bite marks, burn scars

And a few unwanted babies

*

To my wife

I leave a mortgage

An extra car

An empty bed

*

To my children

A hole in their life

A father missing

A broken heart full of strife

*

But because I'm dead and gone

You might as well sing this song

'Cause no amount of raging and wailing

Will make this feel any less wrong

#67 Is a Creation Story

And I did take a crap

Sitting upon my holy commode

I then took my toilet paper

And I wiped my bum

I looked upon my creation

And saw that it was good

I then retrieveth my pants

And did put them on

Turning, I flushed my commode

And it did clog up

Seeing the strength of my creation

I said that it was good

Wielding my super plunger

I did plunge

And the holy commode cleared up

I sprayed a delightful air spray

So the smell wasn't so bad

And it WAS good

Amen

#66 Wallows in Beautiful Imperfection

It's unplanned
It's spontaneous
A firecracker in the mud
Sputtering like a dud
I'd say you can't hit a home run every time
But some could call them at will
I'll admit I'm jealous
Of those types of fellas
Sometimes when you draw a circle
It looks kinda oval
But that's life
Gotta take your geometries with a grain of salt
It gives it more personality
When it's a little dirty
When I was a kid
I did just that
I took a hammer
And beat the rear fender of my bicycle
When I got called on the carpet for it
I just cried, and said
"It makes it look mean."
So, when I look in the mirror
And see all the imperfection there
I gasp in wonder
At the loads of personality I must have

#65 Is Out For Blood

Better than blood
*
Well, not to a vampire
It is to what they aspire
Drinking those yummy blood cells
Draining their human wells
*
Closer than blood
*
Some friends say that they are
Their bonds go deeper by far
Though some of the families frown on it
BFF's just hold hands and get on with it.
*
Blood will have blood
*
In an eye for an eye world that's true
Though real instances are few
Revenge is best served cold
When you are grey and old
*
It was a bloodbath!
*
Now why in the world would you want that?
I'd rather kiss a rat
Imagine sitting in a tub of blood
Muttering insanely like Elmer Fudd
*
She's acquired a taste for human blood
*
Sounds like part of a horror show
Still, I'll keep my profile low
You never know
When something like that could be.....wait....what's that? Aaaaaah!

#64 Might Be a Creepy Sex Addict

Holographic images

To drive me from my mind

A thin connect to reality

And porno all the time

*

I keep my Jergins at the ready

Sex is on my mind

It's always a good time to blow my load

Into any orifice that I find

*

I think I have a problem

My last girlfriend I plumb wore out

She popped and went all flat

My next will be more stout

*

Perhaps I should try a real girl

I hear they're all the rage

But I sense they'd want too much from me

Maybe, if I kept her in a cage

*

I'm not much for talking

I sort of just creepily stare

It's so much easier stalking

Until they notice, they don't care

*

I think I'll try something different

It's not a gag, I swear

I bought her today and she's beautiful

A blowup sheep, in pink underwear

#63 Beware: Sad Dog

Beware the sad dog

He chases his tail

And spouts deep dialog

While regarding the dark bone of his father

*

Left to his own devices

In the house all alone

He'll chew on your furniture

And cry till you get home

*

Sad dog seeks companionship

Dialing 1-900 all the time

Running up your phone bill

On the dog chat party line.

*

He sleeps in your bed

Because it smells like you

But he is still spiteful you're gone

And he marks your pillow with poo

*

Sad dog is happy to see you

He always humps your leg

Pees on your carpet uncontrollably

While you eat he does beg

*

Crying for your attention

He curls at your feet

Not caring if you watch Nova

Or 21 Jump Street

*

One last lick at bedtime

Sad dog gives your face

Making you feel loved

As he settles into his place.

#62 Is a Happy Gentleman Farmer

On the today

After Yesterday

It was a triumph

It was a feel good Saturday

*

I fed the birds

Swept out their cages

And composed words

Eager to fill pages

*

When I ran out of rhymes

I grabbed my magical gear

Just as I had a thousand times

And did card tricks for the cows

*

Then, as every day

I hooked them up one by one

Washed their tails, teats, and bums

Until they were all done

*

With a backward glance

I'm put in a happy mood

By the happy clean cows

With their noses happily in the food

#61 Was Why Your Insurance Rates Are High

Tracing the lines

Of the places I've been

Is almost as good as the fines

I've gotten while doing it

*

That car is to get you

From point A to point B

That's what my dad

Always said

*

To me, it was that

And more

It was to get from A to B

As quickly as possible.

*

I was a drag racer

A rally driver

At least in my head

And often too

*

I'll never know

Why I never met

Another car

As I slid sideways

Around a blind curve

*

Something smiled upon me

Until I outgrew that stupidity.

#60 Gives a Battle Cry!

I'm dressing in chain mail

And strapping on iron

May my courage not fail

As I face the fire

Across the field

Stare a hundred eyes

Ready to attack, or protect

The precious, the prize

At the appointed hour

We charge as one being

Colliding with a roar

Onlookers scarcely believe what they are seeing

Steel upon steel

Sparks are flying

Arrows fly in the mix

I kill without even trying

Quickly down

To smaller numbers

We form small groups

Hunting the survivors

I squint into the sun

As I stalk my prey

Those scurvy dogs stand no chance

For I am LARPing today!