#310 Oversexed Saint

I’m polishing my halo

I found it under the couch

It must have rolled under there

Or fallen from my pouch

I don’t normally wear it

Tends to keep the women away

They must think saints don’t get horny

Or that we are femme and gay

Well I’m here to tell you

I’m a screaming hetero

I’ll bang a broad in a New York second

Just like any other Joe

Oh, I do the Lord’s work too

It’s part of the job

But I’ll be damned if that means

That I have to polish my own knob

You must think I’m a pervert

Or that not all saints are like me

And I’ll admit that before I was martyred

I was holy and celibate to a “T”

After the whole stoning incident

Meeting St. Peter, Pearly Gates

You know the drill

I found myself among the greats

All the holy men I’ve heard of

And a lot I hadn’t

Were getting pussy left and right

And God was none the saddened

I learned it was part of the reward

For living a holy life

Giving up so many things for God

Among them being having a wife

So after dying a virgin

I learned of physical pleasure

Dying a little each time

And rising again in equal measure

That was almost a thousand years ago

And I’ve come a long ways

Now I’m often on special assignment

Doing things that would amaze

But it’s all low key

Preventing wars, famine and many other things

Yet causing others to happen

Whatever my special orders bring

On the side

When it doesn’t interfere with my duties

I spread God’s word on the horizontal

Laying with all manner of beauties

I show them my love

Then I show them God’s

Sometimes they change their ways

Other times we are at odds

But I get laid either way!