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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine Mythos

As with most Valentines past
This one goes out to the broken hearts
Their chests filled with loneliness
Their shorts filled with sharts

You're not missing much I assure
Just some made up holiday
Set up to sell flowers and cards
To make us feel bad in every possible way

But before I shit on this holiday
For the hundredth time
Lets delve into myth and lore
To find out whence it came

Once upon a time
Which is how all fables start out
There was a woman named Valentine
She was a regular sort
As you shall soon see

A regular gal
Daughter of a regular bloke
Following in her mother's footsteps
Baking in their bakery
For all the town

Her best friend was Cupinski
A Polish boy
Who was rather special
Small for his age
But deadly with a bow and arrow

One fine day in the town
Cupinski came into the bakery
With some game for the meat pies
Which he traded for bread and pastry

Valentine greeted him excitedly
News spilling from her lips
She was in love
Though Cupinski's heart broke in the telling

For as often happens
Cupinski had fallen in love with his best friend
And now just as typically
Valentine had fallen in love with someone else

The man she described was impossibly perfect
Tall and dark
Handsome and moderately well off
With a home away from the open sewers of the town

More could not be wished for
At least in Valentine's mind

Just as she was getting to the part
Where she was describing how her heart felt full
With love for her new beau
A cracking sound was heard

Alarmed
Cupinski looked around
To find the source if this loud sound

The cause was right in front of him however
As Valentine clutched at her chest
Her hands scrabbling across fabric
Unlacing her blouse frantically
Eyes on her friend
Screaming silently for help

Cupinski caught her in his arms
Just as her legs buckled
Too numb for the moment
To take in the sight of her half exposed glorious bosom

Looking down he saw her chest pulsing
Growing impossibly large
Bulging outwards
Until it burst open
Showering the small back room of the bakery with blood

Stunned
Cupinski dropped Valentine to the floor
Backing away in horror
As his best friend's heart
Swollen with true love
Kept growing even as it detached itself from her body

It grew and it grew
Devouring the bakery
Cupinsky ran away from it
And still it grew
Gobbling up the village square with it's true love

It approached the love of it's life
The mysterious dark handsome man
From the good side of town
Slugging it's way along the village's cobbled streets

The object of it's desire
The man Valentine had loved
Ran from the pulsing disembodied heart
But the heart was too fast
Fortified as it was by the scent of it's object du jour

Seeing this happen
Cupinski knew it wouldn't stop
He was afraid that it would keep growing
Until it's love devoured the world
In it's muscly bloody Valentine embrace

Cupinsky took up his bow
Nocked his favorite arrow
The one with the hand chipped head
In the shape of a heart
Drew it back
And released it

Straight into the heart of his one love

And so Valentine's heart was slew
Leaving itself on the ground
Awaiting the incident clean up crew

Cupinski went sadly home
To his family's house outside of town
Where his mother greeted him with a kiss

"Hello Cupid, my baby"

For that's what his family called him

"How was hunting today?"

Cupid looked at his mother with tear streaked eyes

"I killed true love today
I drove my arrow into it's heart"

And so the mythos of Valentine's Day was born