New Hat

Boy do I need a new hat
For though I am thick of skull
I despair at the thin of hair
Which is my own fault
Evidenced by the well worn clippers
Kept tidily in the bath cabinet

I was advised to check out something in wool
It is warm and moisture wicking
All natural and cool
But when I put it on
I broke out in a rash
My head was warm all right
It was virtually on fire
Cooled only a touch by liberal dousing in Calydryl

So with a pink tinged scalp
Now drying and flaking off
Leaving a fine pink dandruff
Everywhere I went

Since that didn't work out
Someone recommended chenille
And at first burst
I have to admit to liking the feel

It was soft and cuddly
Wrapping my tender head like a bath so bubbly
The problem came in
When wearing it in public
For some reason women and children
As well as puppies and kittens
All wanted to touch it
To rub against it with hands and cheek
And other various parts of anatomy

Which made going out a bit of chore
So I set that option aside for now
As the pseudo headwear celebrityness wasn't my bag
With clothing paparazzi snatching shots for fashion rags

Acrylic was fake feeling
Making me feel dirty and cheap
Besides which
My hat totally melted when exposed to excessive heat

Cotton was fine but too porous
Letting cold wind in to sting me
In a painful multi pronged chorus
Leaving patches of blue in the flaking pink

Furry animal skin was the next step
Which was very warm indeed
With sweat running down my face
The hat virtually hovering in place
Atop a thin layer of man sweat on my brow
Crowned with a grinning taxidermy head
Of a possum now covered in red
Thanks to a surprise visit
By my local PETA chapter flinging paint

With all the difficulty and fuss
I'm going old fashioned with a solution
I'm simply being patient and growing my own hair out
Which at the rate that it's going
Will soon be epically rock and roll in proportion
Hanging everywhere and flying about in the wind
And most of all
Being just the right amount of warm
Not too much nor too little
A little shelter from the winter storm