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Monday, January 14, 2013

Beards Are Hard

Growing facial hair is hard
There was a time when I couldn't at all
No matter what I did
All I saw in the mirror was a peachy fuzz

As I got older it started to happen
A black or a brown hair here or there
Leaving me less than sparse
Odd long hairs like stout stragglers
Left over after a summer wildfire

I tried miracle grow creams
Heck I'd have tried anything
If you had told me to stuff my mouth with play dough
Then squeeze until it came out my cheek pores
I'd probably have tried it
In royal fun factory fashion

When I turned twenty
I gained the magical ability
To grow what I will charitably call
"A Douchebag Beard"

A beard that runs down the sideburns
Across the jawline and chin
But never getting enough oomph
To reach out and join hands
With that scraggly caterpillar of a mustache
Leaving both parts isolated
On their own turf
Seemingly at war
Threatening one another
With razors and clippers

With this yoke I walked
Until I was twenty five
Whereupon the two finally met in the middle
Giving me a holy grail opportunity
To grow a decent goatee

A hairy mangina face
A douchebag beard 2.0
If you will
And with this I was satisfied for years

Until I came of age
And my face hair mellowed
To an almost ginger hue
With white splotches on my chin
And it seemed a shame to only grow a Fu

Now I'm bearded when I want
As hairy a mountain man as you'll find
Except when I'm not
Which is beardlessly fine