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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Mall Santa

I went to the mall
And what did my wondering eyes see
But a very angry Santa
With piss stains upon his knee

I sat down nearby
And offered to freshen his coffee
He just scowled and growled
As he tried to clean his beard of dried toffee

I kind of regretted sitting so close
As his odor soon wafted on my way
Smelling a bit like pee and adult B.O.
I kind of felt that there was something I should say

"Um, Santa?
I mean, it's none of my business but....."

And he cut me off
Laying out a tirade ten miles long
Which should have landed him on the naughty list
And I doubt I'm wrong

"The kids right?
It's all about the kids
But what they don't tell you
Is that they smell bad
And they whine
And some of them are terrified of you
And that they'll pee on you
All over your rented outfit
Which you have to have dry clean only
Or you lose your hundred dollar deposit
They pull your beard
They ask for everything in the toy store
And sometimes
Sometimes
They try to break your heart
By asking for their dead father or mother to come back
And you should be sad about that
Or something
But you can't
Because all the other kids have ruined you for it
Made you smell like piss and candy
And you just want to murder them all!!!"

My mouth was wide open
I couldn't believe what I was hearing
This was the life of a mall Santa?
I'd always imagined it a little more endearing

And I said so
At which, Santa dumped his cold coffee over my head
Leaving me sitting there dripping on the tiles
As he stomped off
In his shiny rented size twelve boots
With the shiny buckles
That were at least one size too big