I killed Santa Claus
It happened ten years ago last night
It was late Christmas Eve
When from outside I'd hear a clatter
So I'd thrown open the sash
To see what was the matter
What I saw defied my experience
It was a nightmare on ice
A crystalline monster
In a red hat trimmed in white
I reached for my gun
Then froze as he turned
Bringing me into his sight
When his cold blue eyes
Locked with mine
I squeezed the trigger
Of my Uzi 9
Millimeter, that is
I emptied the clip
In his general direction
I must confess
My eyes were closed
My left hand raised in deflection
The spent shells rained out of the receiver
Hot to the touch
Try it you'll be a believer
When the smoke cleared
And my ears were still ringing
All that I saw outside
Were some red scraps of cloth
And tufts of white rabbit hide
Sitting innocently nearby
Was a sack of presents
Spilling into the gutter
Next to runner tracks in the snow
Hoofprints in between
Ending about thirty yards down the street
The vehicle itself long gone
Up, up into the sky
After hiding that mess
So that none would suspect
I sat by my fire
With a stiff drink in my hand
Contemplating the wonderful holiday
That I'd just wrecked
*
Now ten years on
The world is much the same
Though Santa never visits
Some magic must yet be game
For though his terrifying coil
Has left this cold earth
His spirit lingers
And on Christmas Eve
If you stand quietly
Looking straight up
You might see a speck
A small moving light
It's Santa's sleigh and reindeer
Continuing their flight
Blindly and madly
With no Santa Claus in sight
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