The note is short
But not very sweet
It says quite simply
In letters small and neat:
"Hands off my cake, fucker!"
It's on my countertop
And I don't know who from
I walk my perimeter
All the doors and windows are locked
From whence could someone come?
This isn't the first time
I've found something like this
Just last week
I found a booby trap
Luckily I saw the telltales
And avoided the result
But who would wire a shotgun to my door?
And what the hell for?
I'll admit I'm a bit unnerved
Though it's all that I deserve
After what I did last year
At the annual carnival
I'd discuss it right now
But my therapist says I shouldn't
All I'll say is that you'd have done it too
And don't lie like you wouldn't
However
This person in my house
I'm getting a little worried
I get out a stethoscope
I tap on the walls and floors and listen
Maybe I can hear where they are buried
I find another note
Same handwriting with no correction
Seems to be left-handed
Smeared slightly in that direction
"Leave, or I'll kill you"
I crumple it up
I would if I could
But I've locked myself in
Everything is bolted and screwed shut
Ain't nothing getting in or out of this hut
I'm going to find out who this is
At all costs
Once I see who it is
I can deal with the danger
I'm setting up a camera today
Wired right to my computer
It will see everything
Recording continuously
Maybe you don't want
to know
"Yes I do!", I shout at nobody in particular
I do that sometimes
Don't worry, it's ok
Everything is all set
I think I feel a bit better
Knowing that I'll soon know
Who's been writing those letters
I absent-mindedly rub at a stain
On the side of my left hand
Looking down I frown
How it got there I don't understand
Whatever
It's almost time for bed
I get a slice of MY cake
Despite what that ominous note said
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