Zombie Ronald Reagan

It was the first thing I'd done
I don't know why
But it was

I bought the vial of Ronald Reagan's blood

I won the lottery
So I was in the mood to buy something silly
Something over the top
Something that would get me remembered
Boy howdy will it ever

Not for the deal itself maybe
That was all done behind closed doors
I didn't want it to go to auction
So I made a sweet sweet offer
And it was accepted

I was out twenty million dollars
But one vial Reagan blood richer

I think it was a fair trade

Naturally the next move was to break and enter
Not just any B&E
No siree
A smash and grab of Presidential proportions
One point eight five meters to be exact
I stole Ronnie's body

To be fair
He didn't object
But neither did he agree
To my offer of coming with

Either way it was
He came with me
Slung over the shoulder of one of my men
You didn't think I carried him myself did you?
That's what I pay people for these days

From the smoldering ruins of the library
To armored transport
To helicopter
To private jet
To secluded island laboratory

I placed him within my lab
On the slab
The lair of the evil Fritz Roeth!

Mwah-ha-ha-ha
~twirls end of nonexistent mustache~

There with my trusted assistant
Francis
I boiled the bottles
I primed the pumps
Purged the pipes

Multiplied the methods

And many they were
Until it was as I wished it to be

Ronald Reagan lying there
Looking death free
And a bubbling vat of his propagated blood
Simmering away
Ready to be injected
When I detected
That which I really needed

An imminent lightning storm
For some zap zap zapping
So I rapped rap rappinged
Upon the bathroom door

"Um, Francis, could you hurry it up in there?
There's a storm coming, and I could use your help"

Then with Francis as my side
We gave Ronnie the hot blood injection
With nutrients and herbs
To prevent any rejection!

Raised him up upon his slab
And placed electrodes upon his skin
Connected by copper to probes on the roof
We sat and waited for life to re-begin

Francis' narcolepsy kicked in
So I raised my hand to slap him awake
I was the evil Fritz Roeth, after all
And as my hand contacted his face
His eyes snapping awake
The lightning struck hard
Shorting out everything in the lab
And cracking the slab
Upon which dear Ronnie lay

I called for a flashlight
And stumbled to the manual controls
Lowering the slab with jerks and clanks
Being blinded by Francis
Who was incompetently shining the light in my eyes

With a thud the slab hit the ground
And simultaneously
I heard a sound
It was Ronnie
He was awake

Ronald Reagan was alive!!
Alive!!

But what he said
In his peculiar Ronald Reagan way
Was, "Brains......."

And not just "Brains"

But
"Braaaaaaaaaiins!"

Up popped the sheet
Ronnie tossed it aside
And shambled in a quick step
I ran away to the side

I cried for Francis
And he came running
I tossed him on the ground in front of Ronnie
Who predictably stopped
And ate Francis' brains

I said I was evil
Remember?

But now one month later
I'm still running
Because Ronald Reagan can't be stopped
Like any other respectable zombie
He can infect others
And with millions of supporters by his side
He walks the earth
Unfazed by any terrain or water
He walks, runs, swims, climbs
With his minions
In a never ending quest for brains
To feed a bottomless hunger
Which was created by my mad pride

I've given up trying to fight them
As they are undeterred by all means
Both conventional and nuclear
It defies my mad scientist imagination
That I've succeeded in making something
So perfect

Shhh, shut up!
I think I hear him
At front of his column of zombies
Reciting lines from The Gipper

I've heard this before
It always ends the same
With ragged zombie applause
And a call for more brains

If you find this note
It means I didn't survive
But with the pressure of your eyes upon it
I know the world will never forget
That it was the evil Fritz Roeth

Who used a vial of blood
To raise the Zombie Gipper