Freundin

I noticed her tits one day
I mean hell
It's never been a state secret that they were there
It's just that on that day
I really noticed them
That day I felt my cock stir
As I looked at her and her tits

I make it sound crass
Because that makes what happened more acceptable
More palatable
Less bitter
After all
If my intentions were lascivious
And dirty
Oh so goddamned dirty
Like I wanted to tear her clothes off
And tie her to a post
Then cleave her with my penis

If I had those thoughts
Then everything would make sense

But I didn't

She had become my best friend
Completely by accident as it turned out
But that's when things are best I think
When they are accidental

Out of our larger group of friends
We had started hanging out more together
She had started taking me along
On various occasions
I met her more extended circle of acquaintances
She made me feel special
Like I was a part of her life suddenly

We shared things
Like best friends should
And I actually cared about the things I said around her
Or did
That's how I could tell I was really into her
Because usually I just didn't give a fuck
About what people thought

So one day
After a month of being super best friends
I asked her out
And it was kind of clumsy I'll admit
I hadn't been with anyone yet
In either the real dating sense
Or in the carnal way
So I thought this was how it worked
That good friends could start dating

I let her know that I was attracted to her

And she let me know that she
Absolutely
Positively
Did not feel the same way about me

And I was crushed a little
But I sucked it up
Because after all
We were still best friends
Right?

She called me that night
She said that after thinking about it
She didn't feel 'safe' around me anymore
She said we shouldn't be around each other anymore

I didn't know what to say
I think I cried after the phone call
If I didn't I should have

Like I said
It would have made more sense to me
If I had simply wanted to rape her
To do disgusting things to her

But I didn't

I just wanted to love her
I wanted to touch her
I wanted her to touch me back
I wanted to see what all this girl-boy stuff was all about

I wanted too much it seems