Praying Hard

My knee was sore
I'd fallen on the playground the day before
Kneeling here
Even though the kneelers were padded
Kind of hurt

I fished around in my mouth with my tongue
Trying to find any remnants of my communion snack
Nope
All gone
The little wafers sure didn't last long

Though they actually tasted like paper
I'd grown accustomed to them
Liking them even
Sometimes I'd suck them up against the roof of my mouth
Getting them stuck there
Until they became like glue
And I could scrape them off like wallpaper scraps

Other times i would chew it
As soon as possible after getting it
That way it was super crunchy
But some of the other kids said I shouldn't do that

They claimed that when you chew the host
Jesus would scream

I alternated between being horrified at that
And giggling at how funny it was
Crunch
Aaaaaaah!
Crunch
Aaaaah!

Now I was in the doldrums of communion
Kneeling there
Pretending to pray
Pray for what I don't know

But I did have my hobby
A game I called:
Do her?
Or
Nope, wouldn't do her

It often got shortened in my head
To simply Yep, or Nope
Especially when there were lots of people in church
There just wouldn't be enough time
To say all those words in my head

It is here that I reveal myself to have been a few things as a child
One of them was being a raging heterosexual
Another is being obsessed with the mystery of sex
And finally, not the most devout Catholic

And so it goes
As I sit there on my sore knee
And all the other people file back from communion
I give them all a look as I pretend to pray

I'd do her
I'd do her
I'd do her
Wouldn't do her
I'd do her

Definitely, the "I'd do her"s outnumbered the "Wouldn't"s
And that's just as true today as it was when I was eight

Thankfully there were just as many guys in church
So when they'd go by
It would just be a null result in my game
I didn't think of guys sexually

Then suddenly a group of girls would file by
That's when my internal monologue had to be shortened
To the "Yep" and "Nope" decrees
That little OCD person inside of me
Just wouldn't let any girl pass without that judgement

Now just what I meant by "I'd do her"
Was a little vague at that age
It was a mishmash image of bare skin
Though I did know what the parts looked like
And where to press them together
Thanks to Peggy the neighbor girl
But it was really just a lot of bare rubbing and flailing about

Eventually
With all the looking at girls going by
Appraising them for my eight year old sexual desire
There would be an inevitable response
I'd get my little boy hard on going

At which time I'd have to try to think of other things
So I'd be ready to stand up later on
Though thankfully
In our church at that time
There was a transition from kneeling to sitting for about five minutes
This happened right after communion
While the priest was cleaning the communion equipment onstage

It was a nice respite for me
No pretty girls walking by
Just him doing the dishes up there
Giving me time to compose myself

Giving new meaning to the phrase
Praying Hard