#31 Is Short, Like a Monday Special

There is no spoon.

Just like

There is no wall

Until the reality crashes into you

Or rather you into it

Your own stupidity

Driving the point home

So if you can't bend reality around your objective

What's left

Reality, Bitches!

#30 Briefly Deconstructs Rebel Without a Cause.

Who's looking for trouble

I am

Who's going to rebel against something?

I am

So, um, what are you rebelling against?

What have you got

That's hardly productive you know.

I know, it's really a knee-jerk reaction thing

How so?

Well, I can't stand authority figures with weak morals.

Oh really?

Yeah, it's a character flaw, I have few friends.

I'd be surprised if you really had any.

Fuck you, boss.

Yup, surprised if you really had any.

What do you do when you have to be a man?

Dude, what kind of question is that?

Dunno, my dad never answers me either.

I'll bet you're a real yo-yo.

That's just mean spirited.

I hardly think so, it's just social commentary

Screw you, go drive off a cliff.

What? Too chikin to knife me?

Duh, plausible deniability, that's me.

What are you doing now?

Taking the bullets out of your gun.

Jesus, what a dick you are.

You'll see, I have a plan.

How can you possibly?

~Sigh~ I'm seventeen man, what do you want from me?

Dad, this is Judy, my girlfriend.

Everyone hugs

The End.

#29 Is On a Pleasant Trip

When I see a monkey drinking chai

My heart gets warm

With that simian love

That you know is true

Then I make some tea for me

And I invite you

I run from the colored bus

With it's varied hues

Paisleys and stars

Coming right at you

Who were the hippies that painted it?

It was Mary and Stu

That hedgehog is beckoning me

He wants me to come for tea

So I shrink down to his size

And I invite myself inside

And the next thing I know

He says it's time to hide

From the stalking yellow cat

With the eyes of green

Chasing us down our hole

And spilling our tea

That cat has got to go

We'll push him into the sea

On our little boat

The hedgehog and me

Chased by the yellow cat

Driving that colored bus

Carrying monkeys drinking tea

This must be a dream

Someone

Please

Pinch

Me

#28 Observes Strange Things

Today is many things

To many people

Here are just a few

To please and amuse you

-

Today is Data Privacy Day

I wouldn't lie to you

So fortify your firewalls

And update the antivirus too

-

Thank a Plugin Developer Day

Is observed today too

So all those nifty little widgets and apps

That's what those guys do

-

National Kazoo Day

Is happening right now

Let's all make wax paper instruments

And jam like the Muppet Show

-

Today, Fun at Work Day

It's what I'm doing now

I'm observing this special day

So don't go and have a cow

-

All these special days

And many many more

Are observed today

I have, no more

#27 Is a Black Market Baby

I was a 500 dollar baby
Maybe
Or was I priceless
Maybe
Definitely not a dumpster baby
Maybe
Probably left at the baby farm
To be sold like fruits and vegatables
Maybe
Definitely for more than 500 dollars
Maybe
Broken down into ingredients
We are worth about $120 apiece
So is 500 dollars too much for a baby?
Maybe
Is it worth any more or less
If you bought it rather than bore it?
Maybe
Would you give 500 for me today?
Maybe
I wonder if you could get a refund?
Maybe

#26 Needs a Paper Bag

My titter
To your twitter
Just might
Upset the teapot
-
Why-o
O Me Oh My-o
Can't the leaves
Stay in the pot
-
So when the kitty
Is acting shitty
And your tea is on the ground
Look for Miss Alice Biddy
-
She's the one who'll set things right-o
With her looks of fright-o
That's no mask
It's her face

#25 Spies a Goatpony

Goatpony eats his food

He's just another dude.

Wakes up every day

Just like you

*

Goatpony likes movies

Horror movies

He likes it when they make him jump

Jump right on top of his stump

*

Goatpony has a girlfriend

She's a redhead

She'll love him to the end

Which will probably be this spring

*

Goatpony drives a car

Puts his little hooves on the wheel

And goes pretty far

In that little red corvette

*

Goatpony likes to predict the future

A future without you in it

But he's just making a stir

He really likes you

*
Goatpony has creepy eyes

They follow you whenever you are near

He only does it so he doesn't cry

Doesn't want you to think he's a wimp

*

Goatpony is macho

He rides a Harley

With a coat of man-skin

Hey, it's ok, he's a goatpony!

*

Goatpony goes to sleep at night

On his pillow made of hay

To dream of running with other goatponies

In endless fields on golden days

#24 Is Shrouded in Hot Cheese

What I say is

What I want is

Some red hot

Smokin’ cheese

*

So when you see me

And when you feel me

You’re stomach will cramp

And you’ll get weak in the knees

*

But then you’ll

Know it

And you’ll throw it

You’ll throw it all away

*

You can’t handle my hot cheese farts

*

They’re amazing

They’re disturbing

They rock your senses

To your toes

*

But your nose

It knows

It knows the scent of love

And it’s my hot cheese farts

*

You’ll have dreams about them

Sometimes nightmares

But they’re there

In the front of your mind

*

Eating at you

Batting at you

Like a kitten in the sand

You just can’t understand

*

What’s attracts you to my hot cheese farts

*

So don’t resist it

You cannot stop it

Let your heart be your guide

Until you stand happily by my side

*

United, in the cloud of my hot cheese farts.

#23 Knows that Napalm Sticks to Kids

Let us now offer our prayers to our heavenly father,

Our responsorial today will be “Napalm sticks to kids”

*

For our sick and infirm parishioners, may they have hope.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

For Tessie Leibowicz, who is being eaten alive by her guilt.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

For our leader, may the lord guide him in deciding which women & children to kill.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

For the guts and the glory, may there be enough to go around.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

For avarice and vice, may old habits remain hard to break.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

For the damned, who don’t have the dignity to lay down and die.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

For the stupid, and insipid, may they be called great;

Also that we may raise their accomplishments to you, o lord.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

Finally, may my rectum have a large enough capacity that I may shit on you all before I die.

*

Napalm sticks to kids.

*

Amen.

*

12-30-2001

FDR

#22 is a Tomatoeface

I've been reading PETA Brochures lately
So that I can better care for the creatures of the Earth
There is a line about eating nothing with a face
So I've sworn off anything that can give birth.

Now weeks into my journey
Towards full Vegan-ism
I open my fridge to hunt for fresh produce
While watching the afternoon show of “Chisum”

Oh, that John Wayne is a hunk of cowboy
Even me being sworn Hetero can admit that
So with tomato and green pepper in hand
I shoo away the Cat

Always takes my chair
I often wonder at that…
Don’t think he’s a John Wayne Fan
But who can say the motivations of a cat.

I rummage in the knife drawer..
With half an eye on the telly
Finding my favorite knife
I regard my tomato thoughtfully.

I see a jolly wrinkle on it’s skin it seems,
So I wipe it off before setting it down,
And all goes well,
Until it sees the knife…suddenly a frown

Did I say “it sees”?
Because for sure that is what it seemed
That my tomato was trying to communicate with me
That it didn't want to be sliced, fried, or creamed.

I looked closer…
Almost, it winked at me I think..
Eyes wide, I put it down..
And poured myself a drink.

If a tomato has a face.
That opens up all kinds of issues…
With the vegetable race.
Primary of which is: “What the devil am I to eat?”

#21 Plays House

Creatively creating
It's Kindergarten activity time
"My pencil's dull teacher!"
Just listen to me whine
-
I remember the time
-
The time I peed my pants
Because I was on the tricycle
One of TWO tricycles
If only I'd known in advance
-
That was the time
-
My daddy came to get me
On his motorcycle that day
It was the first time, and last
Because I peed my pants today
-
Then there was the time
-
Peggy cut her butt
On a piece of broken glass
Playing doctor in the bushes
Resulted in glass in the ass
-
Second only to the time
-
That Mom caught us
Naked as can be
In the playroom closet
Her on top of me
-
But time flies
-
Peggy moved away
Then I did too
That's how things go
From me to you

#20 Thinks the End Times Are Near!

It's the first phase
Of the last days
The fun days
Of the final days
-
Birds are falling from the skies
The fish are floating too
Whales are a'beachin'
Seals and penguins want to die too
-
It's the first phase
Of the last days
The fun daze
Of the new craze
-
Whatever shall I do
When the bad comes here too
I'll just make a last hurrah
For me and for you
We'll load up all the pickup trucks
And fill them full of booze
Then we know we'll live forever
Or at least our pickled bodies will!
-
It's the first phase
Of the last days
The blue haze
From a huge blaze
-
As four horsemen ride around
In circles till they puke
The seventh seal will break open
As our last rebuke
But I won't really care
As I'll be in my underwear
Drinking all my booze
And partying with you!

19 Can't Remember Who It Is

I'm at a loss
I forgot to floss
And nothing comes to mind
My thoughts are simply hard to find

My My My aren't we precocious
Thinking that we even have thoughts
Supercala - whatever - docious
All that's in there are jingles and rhymes

Worthless data waiting to be expunged
I search for something useful
A face here, a name there
But never the right ones.

Bob is Fred
Bryan is Steve
You will be whomever I need
Getting old is a bitch.

#18 Is in need of Rescue

Rescue me
I need to be saved from myself
I'm a mess
A ticking time bomb
Whatever makes me tick
It's ticking down

Rescue me
From the rising waters
I thought I could swim
But this is thick as molasses
Or maybe it's just me
With sludge on my glasses

Rescue me
From my heavy heavy heart
It's dragging me down
Like an almost liquid fart
I don't have a change of underwear
I am doomed

Rescue me
From the angry woolly sheep
I thought they'd be so comfy
But they didn't like it much
When I tried to fluff them like pillows.

Rescue me
From strangers around me
They mill around
And want me to talk to them
But I just want to stand in the corner
Nursing my drink

Rescue me
From you
You occupy my thoughts
Like nothing should
Is it habit? obsession?
Lawdy lawdy

Rescue me

#17 Is Nervous About The Posessive Squirrels

Hey

It’s me

Just hanging around

Our tree

The one with our names on it

With the big heart around

Thinking of you

And me

There’s just no way to tell

Just what is gonna make me yell

No sense to it

No direction to it

It goes it’s own way eventually.

So when the critters come home

And see me around their tree

There just might be hell to pay

Because squirrels don’t like to share

I just might eat their acorns up

And lie around in their little leaf beds

One that’s too hard

And one that’s too soft

And one that’s just right for me.

I think they just might gnaw on me

For being around their tree

Even though our names are on it

They can’t read so it doesn’t matter

But I know this

I can’t wait forever

So you better hurry

It’s now or never

The squirrels will just chase me away

But I’ll be back the very next day

For you.

#16 Wants To Marry You

The sunshine and the birds and trees

Don’t make up for turds and bees

They stain and stink me

Sting and hurt me

On the fun day

The first day

Of the summertime

The one time

That I ask for love

All you can offer me

Are friendly tight hugs

On the last day

Of the first year

Since I met you

The next time that I see your face

It better be next to mine at my place

‘Cause I want this to be special

I even got roses for you

On this day

The best day

Of my life

So now we’re together

Bound by boundless love

What comes next

My plans played out

It’s an “I do” day

A first dance day

It’s our life.

#15 Buys the Hedgehog Farm

What they say is what they want

And what they want is me

Glorious, whorious, me

Give me lemons, and I’ll make a mess

Glorious, messmakersaurus, me.

My arms they aren’t the same length at all

I can’t seem to open doors right, but I’m hell in a brawl.

Custom sweaters are not an issue

A snip snip here, a stretch stretch there,

And viola! It’s custom made for me!

I have a hedgehog that lives in the crook of my arm

He’s my friend, my confidant, and full of charm

I love him, but I think he only stays to be warm

Unless he’s on holiday, to his hedgehog farm

My hair is a fright, I have to cut it every night

It grows and it grows, and gets tangled in my clothes

I sell it to wigmakers, every bald person has one on my street

Some think it neat, but I repeat: It’s not.

So in this celebration of me, beautiful me,

Step into my mind, I don’t mind, come and see

The ticking and tocking of the mechanism of me

The cogs clack a singsong to my thoughts

It’s really a cacophy of fun.

Come and play?

Oh and please stay.

Today.

Yay.

#14 Eats Until It Bursts

Little cinnamon circles
Ready to blow your mind

Awesome sugary goodness
Of the melty kind

Tamo's Cinnamon Bunhouse
Is the place to look for these

So come on down today
They'll make you weak in the knees!

Today only: $5.99/dozen

"I couldn't stop eating them!"
-1st grader Sam Weiss

#13 Seems to be Unlucky

Is today unlucky?

That bunny I ran over this morning

Would tend to think so

Although it can donate it’s lucky feet now

So it’s not all bad, eh?

Lucky days

Lucky nights

One draws sunny pictures

The other: Adult dioramas

Involving latex and chrome

Not that I’m an aficionado

I know what a gimp suit is

Because I’ve seen that movie

Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, Lucky

Lucky plucky ucky ducky

Swims in his soiled pond

You know, the kind that squishes

So awfully when you put your foot down

But ducky thinks it’s pretty awesome

Unlucky sad and sullen sloth

So cute with it’s long curved claws

I’d kiss it except for the rabies

But I digress, from the luck.

It needs that rabbit’s foot.

#12 Does Not Match

My suspenders just don’t match my underpants

And what shall I ever do about the plaid overpants?

My fashion decisions

Are fashion disasters

My tie-dye totally goes with my plaid

Don’t tell me any different

And Jeans go with everything

Except bed

Garanimals for adults would be the answer here

But That would be admitting I can’t match

Sort of like admitting that I’m lost

I just don’t do that.

So I stumble ever onward

My underwear outside my pants

My shirts on backwards

And my color pallet ghastly

I’m easy to spot though

So sue me.

#11 hides a death pony

Death Pony

Stares it’s wicked stare

While chewing evil carrots

I try not to care

Hard not to though

As the Death Pony sidles closer

For a better look at what I’m doing

It suspects me of something

So I turn away

Tell it to get out of my space

It just stares it’s creepy Death Pony stare

And gives me the willies.

I move away a few steps

And Death Pony follows

Wait, didn’t I tie him up?

I’m puzzled, but feeling scared now.

I move at a brisk walk

To put some distance between us

Death Pony walks quicker too

He nips at my back, wanting me to stop.

I yell at him to get away!

And break into a run.

Death Pony starts to trot.

I’m in trouble now

Knew I should have went armed

This Death Pony is not to be trusted

It dislikes bad poetry

And it will make me pay

I don’t think I’m going to get away

So I’ll press send now

And hope he’ll lose interest

Once he sees it’s too late

OMG, Death Pony has ahold of my ankle

If I can just

press

the

button

#10 Lives In The Crotch Of The Mitten

On the shores of Saginaw Bay

Gravelly Shoals blinks steady

Where as a child I did play

The air fresh and heady

The Perch they sang nightly

Of depths and darkness deep

As they swam by my dock

Voices mild and meek

Small stones underfoot

Treasures to be found

Seaglass here, petosky there

Eyes focused on the ground

Wind from the South

Meant mighty waves crashing

On the shoreline always changing

Sands shifting from the water’s smashing

The baby trees planted by grandpa

Are almost all gone now

Time, and the axe

Giving them their final bow

Springtime meant opening things up

Summer meant fun growing up

The fall was time to shutter

And winter was no time at all.

Softly white and secret

Not a soul in sight

My fire crackled brightly

As the ice sang a saw bow song

It’s where I first left home

It’s where I fell in love with my wife

There’s no place I’d rather roam

For the rest of my life.

#9 Is Just Not That Interested

Judge me, lest ye be judged

I will not be fudged

I’m not that interested

Op ed on the fifth page

It draws my rage

I’m not that interested

It might seem like a bit much

To roll in the touch

I’m not that interested

You see my problem in this

I want your kiss

I’m not that interested

It’s a remake in the making

You’ll love my baking

I’m not that interested

You getting the point yet?

Or is it tough for you to get?

I’m not that interested

Buy my love

Or give me a shove

I’m not that interested

There was a time that I’d have paid

For a second look let alone get laid

I’m not that interested

I’ve grown up

I’ve thrown up

I’m not that interested

#8 Wishes It Was Infinity

We've got big heads

And High hopes

Ain't nothing gonna hold us back

Or keep us on the ropes

Check us out

Singin' in the rain

It's the only thing we can do

Since we busted the water main

I'm a boat I'm a plane

I'm a goat!

I'm insane.

Pull my zip I'll run for hours

I wish I was a teacup

I'd fill me

With a li'l tea

I'm a teacup; me

Along those lines

I love to stir my coffee with a fork

It swirls amongst the tines

Makes me smile, what a dork

#7 is Finding Hey Soos

I'm just a puppet

My strings are pulled

By those around me

Strings are attached everywhere

My heart

My brain

Most parts actually

When a string is pulled

The tendency is to jump

Whichever way is easiest

Sometimes easy isn't the answer

Sometimes NOT jumping when the string is tugged

The only way to

Your own

Personal

Jesus

#6 is slightly blasphemous!

Buddha rubs his belly

Yahweh strokes his beard

The Flying Spaghetti Monster drops acid

And acts just plain weird.

Of all the gods I could latch on to

Of all the gods I could make idols to

Of all the gods I could make sweet love to

I had to pick Nanor the Fussed!

Allah hides his eyes

L. Ron Hubbard likes to sit and think

The Invisible Pink Unicorn

Has faith that it is pink

Of all the gods I could run to

Of all the gods I could pray to

Of all the gods I could sacrifice my son to

I had to pick Nanor the Fussed!

#5 Is Five!!!!

I kill me

I kill me with kindness

I kill me with blandness

Must be allergic to vanilla

A spiceless version of me

I want you to notice

When I come around

Yet I hide in my hoodie

Unwilling to make a sound

I try to meet your eyes

Without looking your way

My heart aches

But my body lies

My wistful feelings

Blow like the mist they are made of

Hazing my vision

Leaving me to die

I’m twisting in the wind here!

No reason to get excited though.

My grip be firm

My determination…..determined.

The fingers fly in the

The fly fingers the flypaper

Papered the fly

With hostile messages

On off white card stock

And killed a few trees.

And me

Almost forgot

With a bullet

With a cancer

With a virus

With a vengeance!

#4 is Civet Dry Roast Ad Copy

Eating it up

It’s what the Civet do

Eating it up

And passing it through

It’s a rare find

When they do their civet doo

You can charge top dollar

If you separate the bean from the poo.

Pick poke and clean

Rinse dry and toast

It goes down so damn smooth

That Civet cat poo dry roast!

#3 May Be About Monsterbation

Sharpening my knives

Reloading my shells

Feeding my bunnies

This is an all request show

Polishing my tools

It’s the only use they get

In these days of inspection

I have to act like I know more than I know

Rubbing it out!

It’s the way you do it

Rubbing it out!

Not as good as screwing it.

But it’s better than none. :)

#2 Has No Mission No Message

Take it like a man

Every time I look up there

It looks back at me

Winking blinking shimmering shining

Showing me that I am small

Showing me that I matter not at all.

Unblinking moribund blandness

Progression never ceasing

Grinding time

Spitting dust

At faster than light speed

Which is impossible

So don’t worry about it.

If it’s impossible

It’s not happening

Denial is my favorite river

I tube in it.

With a six pack of your tears

You crying little Frenchman.

Oh I got buttercups

Buttercups on my fingers

And I’m eatin up!

I’m eatin up them sweets!

Right up to the knuckles

Try typing now there, Stumpy.

#1 Is One of Three Hundred Sixty Five

NO matter what I do

Or who I shoo

Away from the poo

They always come back

Can’t be the smell

Must be the personality

Some people are just pieces of shit.

And others are attracted to it.

Sweep it up.

Put it in a bag.

Dispose of it.

It’s the law you know.

Or citations will be handed out

Not hardly at random

I offer this defense

One of offense.

A strong middle finger.

Or two (just to prove I can still strum a bow)

Arm thrust forward, grasped at the fore.

Fuck you

And most that you stand for.