Christmas Kitty

Christmas kitty up the tree
Christmas kitty looking at me
Eyes getting bigger
Almost like she's getting closer....

Christmas kitty still in the tree
Christmas tree fell on top of me

Awakening half under the antique divan
I tap the Life Alert around my  neck
Calling out as clear as I can
"Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up!"

But nothing happens
And just then I realize
That the last time I replaced the batteries
Was way back in Nineteen Eighty-Five

Bad Christmas kitty!
I want to spank her furry behind
But now I don't see her anymore
And looking around what should I find

But the Christmas kitty taking a dump in the corner
Right next to a present for the parish priest
Which will ruin it for sure
Smelling of cat number two at the very least

Hollering at the Christmas kitty does no good
She just sits there twitching her tail
Watching me weakly flail
Beneath the tree that she planted on top of me

And then she is gone from sight
Which worries me more than a bit
And I call out to her
"Where are you, you little shit?"

Just then a strange tug on my foot
Tells me just where she has gotten
She's started to gnaw on me
Right where I'd gone diabetes rotten

They've always told me that my cat would eat me
Though in the tales it was always after I had passed
This Christmas kitty has gotten a jump on things
Leaving me laying there a bit aghast

I can only hope that she will go for some help for me
When she has quite finished her early Christmas kitty feast
Or at least wait on having seconds
Until I am well and truly deceased