Zappa'd At Beginning & End

Zircon encrusted or milled hard face
I needed some pinchy pointed grabbers
Subtle enough to steal first base
With wisdom beyond their years
And a warranty to assuage my fears
Though I was assured repeatedly
That what had come before would not now be the case

In comes a salesman painted in his whore's makeup
With carpet bag chock full of products on the markup
And a folder full of papers jotted with figures he'd just made up
A sale was all he'd smelled for the last hundred miles
The scent of which had driven him slowly wild

There's a story here I know it
Full of a salesman's greed
A tall grey stalwart steed
And a donated Stetson hat to those in need

We'll find it
And that hat will help
Keeping the sun from our eyes
And harmful rays off the scalp

In ten days you'll get our report
Filled out by committee
Who unfortunately wasn't on the same page
Thus producing a six languaged incomprehensible ditty

Run through WOPR for a translation
It mostly caused nuclear annihilation
Handed to Wall-E
Who squashed it into a cube
Interpreted by HAL
It caused a lock on the pod bay doors

So I gave up on that ditty
And settled down to run the family dental floss farm