It has a jet pack attachment
That will flatten your eyeballs
Making the stars streak and bleed
Violating every known law of physics
Satisfying your need for speed
The scalpel arm will save lives
Performing fine surgeries in the field
Things you didn't know you could do
But, shhh, it's okay, the Leatherman knows
It will decide life and death for you
The pliers can crush the cores of dwarf stars
With patented compound leverage
The kind that normally start wars
A manner of grip that staggers giants in their tracks
The kind that makes the mafia give your money back
There's a sewing kit built right in
With needle and thread as you'd expect
To sew a wedding dress or a ship's sail
To help turn a dead raccoon into a set of saddlebags
To turn a maiden's laugh into a widow's wail
A can opener that can open 55 gallon drums
All the better to guzzle beer by the barrel
In the most convincing manly way
Till you are floating upon a sea of beer in a valley
"I think you've opened enough drums old chap, what do you say?"
A small cross to help a Christian to pray
Or a Catholic to picture his savior nailed to
Made of wood to keep vampires at bay
Pointed at the end to make it a real tool
For picking at hors d'oeuvres upon the silver tray
Keep that Leatherman always upon your hip
You never know how it will come in handy
Both around the house and on some far off trip!
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That will flatten your eyeballs
Making the stars streak and bleed
Violating every known law of physics
Satisfying your need for speed
The scalpel arm will save lives
Performing fine surgeries in the field
Things you didn't know you could do
But, shhh, it's okay, the Leatherman knows
It will decide life and death for you
The pliers can crush the cores of dwarf stars
With patented compound leverage
The kind that normally start wars
A manner of grip that staggers giants in their tracks
The kind that makes the mafia give your money back
There's a sewing kit built right in
With needle and thread as you'd expect
To sew a wedding dress or a ship's sail
To help turn a dead raccoon into a set of saddlebags
To turn a maiden's laugh into a widow's wail
A can opener that can open 55 gallon drums
All the better to guzzle beer by the barrel
In the most convincing manly way
Till you are floating upon a sea of beer in a valley
"I think you've opened enough drums old chap, what do you say?"
A small cross to help a Christian to pray
Or a Catholic to picture his savior nailed to
Made of wood to keep vampires at bay
Pointed at the end to make it a real tool
For picking at hors d'oeuvres upon the silver tray
Keep that Leatherman always upon your hip
You never know how it will come in handy
Both around the house and on some far off trip!
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