Drain Yeti

Drain Yeti blocked up my pipes

Burst them to pieces

Flooded everything in sight
When I wasn't at home of course
In the deep dark still of the night

The view that greeted me as I opened my side door
Was one of water and waste all over the floor
With one small wet Drain Yeti lounging right dead center
Looking at me cross eyed and daring me to enter

I tried my best move
By looking left and trying to slide right
It didn't work and I had no more
And had to settle for just turning on the light

The sudden light made that Drain Yeti charge
Directly at me and tossing me into the yard
Where we rolled around in the early morning mist
Me smelling of two days of travel
The yeti of mold and piss

That was all soon rectified
And we both smelled of front yard mud
All wet and earthy
With a hint of worm at the end

Just when I thought I might be getting the upper hand
That Drain Yeti opened his mouth and yelled "Git off my land!"
Followed by fury and claws
Some teeth and strong jaws

Before I knew it I was in the middle of the road
And that Drain Yeti was back in the kitchen
Staring through the doorway with all the hate he could
Leaving me with one solid option
Of retreating to fight another day

So with one final shake of my fist
I added this incident to my long list
Of things I'd have to rectify someday
Just as soon as more important things stopped getting in the way

Ruere Leporidae

He tumbled
Cotton-tailed ass over steaming tea kettle
All the way down the rabbit hole
Until there was nothing left to do but to hit the bottom

But the bottom refused to come
Thus proving that holes can be deeper than you think
And the temperature got a bit hotter
Showing that things can always get worse as well

Still he tumbled
Past not safe for work images
And recipes for things he had no hope of making
With impossible makeup tips for good measure

Until a weighted rescue rope of dubious length suddenly reached his paws
Which he naturally grabbed on to with a relieved sigh
Then being pulled up all that unlikely way
Through the bottom of the farmer's bubbling pot
Safely back into the hasenpfeffer stew

Everyone's Favorite Picture

This is my favorite picture of you

As you run through the most picturesque of forest
Feet just a blur of motion
Your face is a bit twisted in emotion
Terror I think I'd call it

I'm so glad I took the time to snap the shot
From my safe perch up in the tree
Catching just the right angle upon your streaming blonde hair

While ten feet behind
Almost out of frame
Chases a most magnificent medium sized brown bear

Dude.....So Sleepy

How many of you are awake right now?
One or two or ten?
As my eyelids grow heavy
And sight retracts to a slit
I know that I almost am surely not
Not awake
Not asleep
But somewhere in the middle
With movements paralyzed
Aware but not able to move
This torturous unawake sleep state that I'm in

It's a human rights violation
A horror
A sin

Some Chipmunk History

In the days of the Great Before
There were trees over almost all the land

Not only the mighty Oaks
Which in those times were landbound
To the spot upon which their acorn had fallen

But others
Such as the Maple
Whose leaves were palmately lobed
And seeds with one wing upon them
Which spiraled down to earth every year
In a show of pre-aviation lift and drag

Sadly, those seeds were not good to eat
Though the wood that the tree could give was strong
With sometimes intricate pleasing patterns to the grain
See figure 6c for examples of Maple characteristics

We will go over other types of trees from the Great Before in later chapters
For now
Understand that there were many kinds of trees

Please go to section 2 of your handout
Where the Blight and Purge of Year One is detailed
This is what will be on the quiz tomorrow

Please pay close attention to the linguistic evolution paragraphs
As well as the names of the founders
Which are listed at the end of the section

Have a wonderful afternoon

Just One Thing

As you approach

All cat like grace

In a human sized space

I can only think one thing

Passing a roach

Glowing cherry lit face

Making my leaden heart race

I can only think one thing

Same as that night in jail in Reno

Or within the freezing iron grip of your thighs

Performing what you thought was an act of love

Someone get me the fuck outta this place

I Can't Catch My Legs In Ten Words

I can't catch my legs,
When rolled into a ball

I can't catch my legs,
Magician sawed me in half

I can't catch my legs,
Train is dragging them behind

I can't catch my legs,
Since the aliens probed me

I can't catch my legs,
I'm too busy eating them

I can't catch my legs,
They're running much too fast

Detonated

When you walked in the room

My brain exploded in expletives and innuendo

An internal case of tourettes

Out of control until you were out of sight

Afterwards I'm left drained and panting

As if I'd run a marathon

Or like we'd had sex

Though perhaps a few rounds in the ring is more accurate

I'll never know

I'm running away from you

Blank Page, Interrupted

A stack of papers
Clean and crisp
Cream colored and pleasing to touch
Just the thing to write the next great novel upon

With my favorite pen in hand
That's just what I set out to do

A painfully virgin sheet laid gently upon the green surface of the desk
So perfect looking
Like a picture

So I actually did that first
Took a picture
Entitled "Clean Page Upon Green Desktop"
And I posted it to my Instagram
Then to Tumblr
But with the hashtag of #boobs
Because otherwise nobody would have looked at it

Then with pen hovering over the page
I set out to write
But found that I could not

No word seemed good enough to be the first
Not "A" or "The"
I doubt even "Call me Whaleboy" would have sufficed

So as one part distraction and one part inspiration
I played a word game upon the page
Word associating my way down until it became a letter to every woman I'd ever loved

The curve of their hip
Cup of a breast
Red sweet lips
Plus eye of newt
And I almost had a bitchin' witches potion

I felt like I could do something now
Inspired even

Closing my eyes in momentary relief
I resolved to throw out the used up first page and start anew
But then I opened my eyes and saw that the page was still blank
My pen still hovering above it
Wrist beginning to hurt
No word game had ensued
No inspiration had inspired

There was a knock at my door
I slowly put down my impotent pen
Glaring at it as if it were all its fault
Rotated in my swivel chair
Got up and answered the damned door

Marvel Tree

Tree stands tall to the world
Stiff on basic principle
Brittle to the bone
Hard against the wind
Until he shatters as such things do

Now fragmented in a thousand bits
Tree cannot reassemble

Tree is no Avenger

White Flamingo

Shredded paper seemed to be everywhere
Slices and schnitzels
Little bits and bitzels
Chunks cut out in bizarre shapes
A long paper chain of dogs chasing grapes

In the middle of it all sat an origami creation
Not created from any ancient design
Nor by simple paper folding
Or slot "A" inserting into slot "B"

This was a fantabulous flapping five foot flamingo
Large enough to ride upon
With paper saddle upon white feathered back
Precision paper feathers pinched underneath
Between faux paper leather and paper bird skin sack

Time lost all meaning in the construction of this
Clocks lay destroyed next to the walls where they had hung
Though I think the sun rose and set a couple dozen times
As I perpetrated my mostly non-folding origami crimes

Thinking perhaps this was a great time to try it out
Perhaps some ground flapping tests or two
I moved a stool over next to the great bird
Standing upon it when a strange sound was heard

I looked up in question and saw an odd thing
The head had swiveled towards me
And it was flexing a wing

Reaching out to correct the head to more front and center
The beak opened up and damned near bit me!

I quickly retreated right off of that stool
Into the corner with my supplies and tools
To devise a plan to retake and tame this bird
But as I spoke to myself I do think he heard

For he stalked decidedly in my direction
Causing me to lose all discretion
Hastily throwing together a paper flame thrower
From which blossomed a red construction paper red flower

Around the room we feinted
Him going left as I went right
Breaking odd things as we went
Surely voiding the warranties on things that I'd rented

I finally pushed that paper flamingo back
Just as I crossed in front of the door
Slipping through and slamming it shut
As I could hear him running across the floor

Then taking real matches from my pocket I lit the place ablaze
Sat down to smoke a cigarette and watch through the haze
As the interior went up in flames and the roof fell right in
Sending up edge glowing black ghosts of paper into the night
Hearing the whisper of paper feathers cutting the air on high

The paper flamingo had at last found flight

The Holiday Killer Does the Fourth

Happy Fourth of July
I'm in a fine fettle
And you'll soon know why
Today's activities will test both our mettle

For now it's just you and me
And some sweet morning tea
Mine with a lump of sugar
Yours with a slimy little booger

Oh no, wait
That's actually poison

So we'll ruminate upon the situation
As the neurotoxin slowly takes hold of you
Paralyzing the extremities
Arms stuck to your sides like a bit of glue

I've got some time now to set the table
Stainless carving knife set
Some brand new scalpels
And a bone saw

That last stanza didn't rhyme much
It was more of a list

None of which will matter to you
As I Dexter you into nothing
In the form of a dozen black trash bags
Ferried out to the deepest part of Lake Superior for a toss and fling

Later Gator
After while Crocodile
Wouldn't want to be ya
Your absence will bring naught but a smile