Inspection

~Manual Scan Engaged~

The computer told me the information automatically
In a strange almost-human voice that fell squarely into the uncanny valley
Which was why
Despite the best hopes of the engineering staff
I hadn't formed any kind of relationship with her yet

Her being my Personal Computer Interface (PCI)
Unique to me in as much as this particular file of code only interacted with me regularly
Though she had started out identical with all the other PCI’s on board
Hell
I hadn't even given her a name yet
Though I was close

Her voice and speech patterns reminded me of a ‘Peggy’
Why I couldn't really say
I just pictured a brunette who was definitely named Peggy
Whenever my computer interface spoke to me

There was the added bonus to using the name ‘Peggy’ that I could make up a bullshit acronym definition for PCI
Good stuff to lay on a newbie who thinks they learned everything from their books

My attention was grabbed by the drifting monotony of my VR view
Which had up to that point been taken up by the irregular expanse of grey metal hull that made up the exterior of the ship
Sensors here and there
Some conduits
Reinforcement links
Viewer relays

It might sound interesting to the lay person
But I've done the hull inspections so many times that my eyes could almost feel every seam

This though
This was one of my favorite parts
And the reason I’d taken manual control of the maintenance probe

I adjust the x-y relationship of the probe to ships slightly
And there it came into view
As I virtually drifted in the temperatureless vacuum
White letters that were in such a large font size
Or I was so close
That I really only got to see the lower three quarters of each character

Slowly the ship’s name dragged across my eyes
Pretty level and square
From left to right
Just like I’d planned

PYTHIA G0002

I loved this because it felt like the beginning of an old movie
Where the camera is really close to something
Catching all the important details as the music builds
Until with a swell of sound
The camera pulls back to take on the whole picture

I’d actually always meant to make a soundtrack for myself to do these inspections by
With a special segment reserved for the name reveal
But I never seem to make the time

Maybe now might be right though

“Computer” I said clearly
Because you certainly didn't want to mumble to her
“Reassign PCI identity to respond and call self as ‘Peggy’
Spelled P-E-G-G-Y”

~Copy command, M.I. L06903~

And now having her interact with me using my title M.I.(Maintenance Inspector) and ship crew number felt kind of wrong
We were on a first name basis now
Right?

“Peggy, for all private interactions, reassign my crew designator to my given first name”
That should help a little I thought

~Copy command, Louise~

Shit
It’s been so long since I've heard that name said out loud
“Peggy, for all private interactions, assume informal protocol…..”
I thought for a moment
“…x-ray-seven-two, and refine crew designator to ‘Lou’ “

I wasn't certain I’d phrased it correctly
As it was seeming to take a few beats longer than usual for her to respond

But then it came

~No problem, Lou~

And just like that
The computer in my ear became Peggy the cute brunette
Someone I wouldn't mind having in my ear twenty-four hours a day

I smiled and brought a finger up close to my face
Reaching under the seal of the VR kit momentarily to scratch an itch

“Okay then Peggy, let’s put it back on automatic and get this over with”

With no delay and in tandem to her reply
~Confirmed, Lou, auto grid control reengaged~
The grid interface sprang back to life in my view
As the autopilot read every surface it could get its little sensors on
Measuring them down to the nanometer
Plus or minus ten

“Peggy, could you play me something from P05766’s Space Opera playlist?”

~Of course, Lou, just tap switch alpha for randomization~

A soft trilling of strings entered my brain
Seemingly bypassing anything as crude as an ear
Settling into me

Becoming the soundtrack to my life
As lived one meter above the Pythia's hull
Propelled at point 5 meters per second in layered rings around the sphere
Just a simple probe with sparkling starlight pressing down

Cold

The steady "squinch-squinch" sound of the snow
Clearly indicates that it is at least thirteen below
Where the snowflakes resist being crushed together
Retaining their shape and pushing back against the pressure

And in that same dream I found my son
Playing in the snow as children do
Without a hint of missing me
As much as I was him
But this was a dream I was having
And this was not my son here in the snow

Only a memory

Grimm Black Kitten

Black kitten
Laying in the knitting
Batting at balls of yarn in the sun
With frustration levels rising
Grandmother stabs at the kitten with a knitting needle

The kitten became enraged
Growing sixteen sizes and eating grandma
All crunching bones
Stringy cotton clothes and all
Licking herself clean again
Just as Red walked in the front door

"Oh, hello little black kitten,
Have you seen Grandmother?"

Little black kitten belches quietly
And shakes her head solemnly

Seventh Level of Holy Lack of Plot, Batman!

If I could fold in half
For convenience and space saving
I think I should travel for a discount
Due to the smaller places I could be

When I offered that option at the ticket counter
All I got was a crazy look
And a nice TSA officer told me
"Sir, please walk over this way"

I followed the nice man in the distinctive blue shirt
A way over yonder to the Seventh Level of Inquisition
I commented that I hadn't heard of anything past the Secondary level
To which he simply tossed me into a small cell with ten thousand other souls

"We the 10,000 of JFK International Airport
Would like to lodge a complaint regarding our confinement
No crime has been committed
At least none that's been admitted
And we demand to see your supervisor right away"

Everyone signs a note that said just that
Every day of the week except Saturday
Because most everyone here is Jewish
And while I am not
I let them do their thing
So whether it is a good thing or not
They refer to me as a "mensch"

This Seventh Level of Inquisition
Really doesn't live up to its name at all
For we all just hang around without much supervision
Keeping track of time with marks upon the concrete wall

The other day a guy left the cell door ajar after dropping off some pizza
But it was New York Deep Dish
So we looked at the door
Then at the pizza
And decided to eat instead of leave

That may have been some sort of a test
As the door suddenly remembered to shut
Right after we finished up the pie
Which was alright since I was too full to do much running

I decided right then to write a final note to the ether:

Dear Mom,
Send someone to help
As this story isn't going much of anywhere
Love
Fritz

Porcelain Infanticide

Falling porcelain babies
With sparkling geometric eyes
Mouths open in wild wonder
My brain only wonders which ones will die

Tumbling through the air
In some artist's idea of art
A snapshot for a screensaver or wallpaper
I picture them landing in a pile and breaking apart

It takes vision
To create a thousand porcelain babies
Throw them up in the air together at once
Shooting high speed shutter shots in tens and threes

Gravity grabs those delicate infants
Pulling them to her warm bosom
Shattering upon harsh impact
All sharp shard piled up at the bottom of picture chasm

Could even one porcelain baby survive that photo op?
Dream fingers blunt themselves raw at the screen
As not one breakable laughing baby seems to realize
The mortal danger that they are really in

It takes a monster to make such a photo
Whether real porcelain was harmed or just pretend
To taunt first with such whimsy and weightless joy
Knowing full well the places my brain will take it in the end

Double Ugly - Elephant

Just like back in the Lead Sled days
Afterburners lighting dark skies over the jungle
Kept airborne sometimes by sheer thrust alone
With a motto tattooed upon metal skin and bone

"Thrust Is Life"

Never were truer words said
For once you slow down
You'll surely be dead
Whether by hot lead from above or below
Or perhaps just a stall warning pinging in the darkness
No lights to illuminate your final slow descent show
Unless its the flames from an on-board fire
For though that jet fuel is hard to ignite
Flames will propagate if you turn the temps up higher

Avoid all those problems and keep the throttles pinned
Hard against the firewall stops
Till the burner cans glow red and wear paper fucking thin
As long as the mach numbers keep climbing to the top
Speed will keep you from buying the farm
And your trusty sled away from the junk shop

Sneezeweeds Meet DDT

The sixty snarling sneezeweeds swayed in perfect sync
Bowing down on the inhale
And blown back by the explosive exhale
Clocked at sixty seven miles per hour
Back and forth
In and out
Varied disease vectors spreading incrementally
Floating god knows what to all the points of the compass

Achoo! Sounded all sixty snarling sneezeweeds
Who surely have cleaned out their nasal cavities completely
So "Quit it!" I shout towards them
Though my voice was muffled from the triple layer surgical masks I was wearing
For all of our protection mind you

"It's not our fault!"
Whined the sneezeweeds in perfect unison
Making me wonder how sick and out of sorts they could really be
Sounding more rehearsed than the synchronized sneezewort team
"We are allergic to sneezeweed!"
They cried in despair

Which was fair
Since they were sneezeweeds of the snarling variety themselves

Well it's clear that I have to save them from themselves
I think I have something here under these heavy bowing shelves
Aha, there it is
A half gallon can of leftover DDT from dear old grandfather
Who, god rest his soul, died of extreme DDT exposure

So this didn't seem smart
But I felt committed now
Loading up the aerial sprayer
Attaching it to the undercarriage of an aircraft
Because if you're going to do something
You should do it beyond all the way
And I had the plan to do a major over spray
There would be no greenery left anywhere
From sea to shining sea with nothing but dirt in between
It'll be the cleanest landscape anyone's ever seen