Cookie Cake Doughnut Pizza Bake

That Twinkie of happiness
It's calling out to me again
I've had a bad day
Or just an average day
But my motor just isn't running like I'd like
A Twinkie will make things all right

A mechanical motion of chewing
Tasting all the while
Then swallowing
I've seen it in profile on an x-ray movie
It disgusted me thoroughly
Made me want to vomit to see

So it's just mechanics
A mechanism to fuel the body
Required yes
Recreation no

But just try and tell my brain that

Fall and hurt your knee my child?
Here's a lollipop to soothe the hurt
While I clean and blow upon your wound
You can drool sticky cherry sweets upon your shirt

Is it your birthday?
Here's a cake
If you don't have one you just aren't anyone
Eat, it's your birthday, Eat!
You are just too thin

Bored
Time to ride the bicycle
All the way to McDonald's
A twenty piece McNuggets to go
Asian '80's style with Teriyaki and Hot Mustard please

Rough day at school
Order a small Domino's pizza when you get home
It's only five bucks
(Screw the tip!)
In thirty minutes or less
You can get your fix

Did you ask that girl out
What'd she say
Oh
Well I have some cookies for you
That will make you feel less bad
After a small dozen or two

Mechanical
Chew
Swallow
It starts to feel good after awhile
It starts to be habitual
It goes beyond basic needs
It's your heroin
You get the shakes without it
Even as your brains screams NO!
Your hand puts it in your mouth

Those treats up there in the cupboard
Those are for lunches only
Don't touch them
Unless you'd like one
Did you think you would?

Or on those long lonely days and nights
With nobody around
At least nobody you give a damn about
That cookie cake doughnut pizza bake
Will fill that void
Almost as good as a special someone would

Food equals love
Food equals comfort
Food equals happiness
Food equals safety
Food equals not being bored

No wonder you're so fucking fat

Tap Tappity Tap

Tap tappity tap
Whatever is that?
Something tapping on my brain
Something rolling down the drain

I grasp the cupboard handles
Yanking them open quickly
Following the sound with my eyes
It won't get away from me though it tries

Tap tappity tap - roooooll
Whatever it is
Bounces and rolls it's way along
My galvanized drain pipes with glee
Now clanking
Now clunking
Hitting the Tee bend with a gong

It's to the floor level now
I turn and run to the stairs
To the lower level I go
To stand and to wait
For the next sound it may create

Tap tappity tap - roooool - gong
There it goes
It's moving right along
I follow it along the pipe
Through floor joists and two by fours
There must not be any water sitting in there
Else whatever it was would need oars

It reaches the wall
Passing right through
With a tap tappity tap and a roll
I turn and run out the door
I need a tool now
This sound must be found

A quick stop in the garage
To grab my shovel
Then onto the lawn
My ear pressed to the ground
Thankfully with silence all around

Then I hear it

Tap tappity tap - rooooll - gong - kerplunk!
It's in the septic tank!
I've got it cornered now
I kick the rock aside
That sits atop the thin soil over my cleanout hatch
Shovel throws some dirt
Then pries the small hatch aside
Shining my flashlight down
I can scarcely believe my eyes

There rolling to and fro
Amidst all the waste and offal

Is a cockroach in a tiny exercise ball

CAUTION: Thinking Cap May Cause Thinking

For once
I am thinking clearly

The thinking cap
With wires dangling
Like an octopus with thirty two arms
Reaching for my scalp
With tiny electrode hands

This is going to be amazing

I attach the wires carefully to my shaved head
I lower the cap carefully

I hold the switch in my hand
Thumb upon the button
I bite my lip in anticipation
Great things will come of this
I have no doubt

I press the button

For what seems like an eternity
I stare at a drop of water
It's midway between falling from the faucet
To the sink bowl below
And it's just hanging there in midair
Shimmering slightly

I project myself into the drop of water
I swim about the molecules within
Poking my finger at the two hydrogen atoms
Seeing if I could separate them from the lone oxygen atom
But they're stuck
Stuck to my finger as a matter of fact
I flick them off quickly
They feel rather ooky

I pull my multitool from my pocket
I grab some water molecules and set them in the air before me
Flicking out the blade
I dice the molecules
I arrange electrons and protons
Not neglecting neutrons
I feel like I'm building a kit
But this is no plastic sports car or bomber
This is something new
This is an answer

I hold the future before me
Glowing and spinning

The cold fusion reflects upon my face
Perfectly safe
Perfect

My thumb comes off the button
I'm sitting once again in my chair
My face is still wet though
I wipe it off with a dishrag
It's blood

I faint

THUD

iGod

The new iGod is here
I've been waiting all night
In this long line
With a thousand others
The sun broke over the mountains
It's almost eight in the morning
The store is bound to open soon

I almost can't stand it
I'm so excited
This new iGod is the answer
I just know it
I've been promised this for my whole life
And now it's about to come true

The last iGod
Was almost perfect
And when I got it
I thought it was
But after using it for awhile
I found some flaws here and there
Those little things that get bigger after time

When they announced the new one
I checked my savings
I decided I could put off a few things
The kid doesn't need braces after all
The dog doesn't need it's shots
I don't need new glasses
I can squint for awhile

But who are we kidding here

I'd blow tourists in the back alley
Just for the chance
To get my dirty little hands
On the newest best thing

iGod

My soul will be fulfilled
At least until next year

Minifig

Small and made of plastic
Heads uniform and yellow
Expressions painted and spastic
Yet unchanging

To do that
You have to swap out the whole head
Frankenstein style
Which I do often enough
What with all of them lined up on a shelf next to my bed

Their 'outfits' are a gas
Some perfectly normal
Others strange or crass
And those are my favorite

The angry fighting men
Some with guns
Others with swords
Attacking each other in tens

I'm a deca kind of guy
Ten
Twenty
Thirty
Forty
How many can get involved?

Well how many can I dig up
From the mess that is my bottom drawer
A mangled morass of Lego bits and pieces
All blurring my vision with their blocky variety

There!
A yellow face
Something new to throw into the battle
That is ever raging
On the shelf next to my bed
My armies of Lego Minifig men

The Real

Buried deep inside her
I briefly dreamed it was all real
That this was really my life
The deluxe accommodations
The money
This beautiful woman straddling me
I laid my hands on her body
Closing my eyes
Letting my fingertips trace her form
Her breasts heaving in breathless post climax
Her sides curved and warm
Her thighs tight and hard

I opened my eyes and looked over
Dog seemed to roll his eyes at me
From his spot on his own soft bed
Perched on small raised platform in the corner
He surveys all
And while he approves of happy activity
Delusion doesn't suit his style
So I grin wryly back at him

He's right
She's a lovely girl
But she's a whore
And I mean that in a good way
The best whore should make you feel just like this
Loved and the king of the earth

Sex hadn't even been part of the deal
I'd just paid her to accompany me for a few days here in Vegas
Now, here on the second night, she'd given herself to me
It did make me feel loved
And almost normal
But I knew it wasn't real

We held each other and looked out the massive window
Watching the lights of the strip
A few late night flights coming in and out of the airport
Slowly arcing down to the ground
Slowly arcing upwards

I knew if we stayed in one place long enough
The stars themselves would arc around our view
But she fell asleep in my arms
So I slipped out of bed
Covering her with one soft satin sheet
She was now a perfect soft silhouette on the bed
I walked over to the couch by the window
Dog stirred himself and came over
Hopping up beside me
Leaning into me
We watched the stars rotate in the heavens for a few hours

This was real
Me and him

As fun a diversion as this was
I shouldn't forget that

Dog

Most times
I think to myself
There is food in the bowl
Padding over to check
But there wasn't any
I give it a good lick just to make sure
But it certainly is empty
Not even any kibble dust to add flavor to the lick

A man walks by
Slowing to look in my cage
I sit quickly and cock my head
Sometimes when I did that I got a treat
But he just reaches in and pats my head softly
Burbling something out of his mouth
I sure wish they could talk
I'll bet they are saying something smart

Even though there isn't a treat
I wag my tail
And lick his hand as he pulls it back
I try to be nice
Usually nice things happened when I am

Except for lately

Lately
I'd been scared
My only family had left
After so long being happy
Suddenly there was anger and sadness
Then all the things in the house
Had been put into a big yellow truck
They'd shut me inside the garage with some food and water
And left

I waited

I waited all day
I waited all night
I waited all week
My water ran out
My food ran out
I barked every time I heard someone
Thinking it might be them
That this was all a mistake

I laid down
I couldn't bark anymore
I was so hungry
I was so thirsty
I was so tired

Then the big door opened
Someone walked in and picked me up
I rode in a car in the back seat
The windows were down
I wanted to put my head out
I loved to do that
But I just couldn't

Then I came here
I saw a doctor
He looked at me
He weighed me
He clucked his tongue at me
He gave me some shots

I drank as much water as I wished
I ate kibble too
Now many days later
I feel better

But I'm always worried that the food will run out
I always double check the water
Someday there might be none again
I chew my left leg when I think these thoughts
Nobody likes it when I do that though
I don't get treats
So I try not to
But it's hard

The man comes back
This time he has a treat
I can see it in his hand
Another man walks slower behind him
But I'm mostly looking at the treat
The first man gives the treat to the second
Saying something incoherent

The new man reaches out slowly
I sniff him carefully
He smells strange
Sweet and maybe a little sick too
I like the smell though

So I sit
I cock my head
I make a little noise in my throat
A happy noise
And he gives me the treat

I love how that works

More talking between themselves
I look from one to the other
Trying to maintain cuteness
Finally they shake hands
The gate is opened
And the new man comes in

I bury my nose in his crotch
So I can get a good smell of him
He hooks a leash to my collar as I'm doing that
Scratches me behind the ears

He turns and walks away
I follow
I don't want to drag behind
Through the door
To a waiting pickup truck
Old and white
With lots of stuff piled up in the back
I've only got eyes for the inside though
I want up on that seat

He opens the door for me
And in I go
He leans over and rolls down my window after he gets in

As we pick up speed pulling away
My head pops out the window
A dark German Shepherd face
With one droopy ear looking back at me in the mirror
I put one paw on the door mirror
I stick my whole upper body out the window
Tongue hanging out
Wind blowing my lips back
I bark